GIF Proof That These Bachie Mansion Rejects Will Be Dry Humping In Paradise

Once upon a time, I politely forced ~~Andrew G~~ Osher Gunsberg and to bring our horny ex-bachie contestants together for a spinoff show.

‘Bachelor In Paradise‘ will be a breeding ground for dramatic, sexy love hexagons between mansion leftovers. It’s going to norti as hell, something we haven’t previously been gifted from the franchise free of overnight dates and dry humping. IT’S TIME.

If you’re a little confused about the show’s format, I – someone who has watched the American iteration several times – can teach you in dot point form below before we get deep into the hook ups.

The show kicks off with around 14 ex-contestants, with an uneven number of dudes and girls.
The contestants start to get date cards at random, taking whoever they’re keen on away for some one-on-one time.
Every second night, a rose ceremony is had. Who hands ’em out? This alternates between the guys and girls, meaning the power is constantly shifting between the men and women.
The show continuously drops new hot tamales in, testing existing relationships on the island.

Now that you’re up to speed, let’s decide who’s going to crack on. Swap spit. Tongue one another. Consensually.

LISA + LUKE

Luke Mcleod, the only actual doable option from Sophie Monk‘s season, looks like the one who’s making Lisa wet. Literally. Makes sense. Pretty much all of Australia would want a piece of him, even if his motivational Insta Stories make me unwell. They’re the hottest people on the show. Would be rude not to.

JARROD + ALI

Jarrod Woodgate will definitely be planting a seed with cutie patootie Ali Oetjen, known for dropping the L bomb early on with Tim Robards.While they’re both cling-central and Channel Ten has been teasing the shit out of this hookup, I don’t see it eventuating. Will they even make out? Hate to say it but I reckon Ali’s gunna chuck a “I wish I liked him, I really do” and then venture off to someone who treats it like shit. Ain’t love grand!

JARROD + SIMONE

Ah, Matty J’s naughtiest girlfriend Simone Ormesher. Don’t remember her? She was the Brit who touched Matty J‘s junk mid-season. I applaud her. Jarrod’s going to drop her though. We all know that, right? A man’s gotta do what a mean’s gotta do to end up with sass-queen Kiera Maguire. She just wants someone to love her for her, you guys.

JAKE + FLORENCE (OR TARA, CAN’T TELL)

Florence has spilled that her and Jake hooked up a few times before the show so you’ll definitely be seeing that rekindle in Paradise. Surely he’ll give Tara a crack but that’s a TBC until we see the front of this blonde’s fucking face, uncle fucker. They’d be the greatest thing to come out of the Gold Coast since Margot Robbie though.

JAKE + MEGAN (OR FLORENCE, CAN’T TELL)

Look, that scalp looks like Megan’s.

LAURINA + MICHAEL

The flirty street pie herself. I really didn’t feel like paradise would end well for Laurina Fleure and that she was just there for to fulfil the producer dream. That footage of her and Michael Turnbull, though? This could be the real deal.

There’s also a voiceover about how “deeply in love” she’s fallen in the trailer. Pretty sure that’s her voice I was hearing anyway. (More importantly, whatever she is wearing is not at all a wetsuit as I had and I am so so curious.)

So that’s Laurina sorted. Maybe she’ll cop a sneaky pash from Apollo too. Who knows! Laurina’s looking her best self these days. Wait, didn’t we see a clip of Michael and Lisa Hyde from Blake’s season looking hot for each other?

Right. I think looking so deep into ones eyes that it looks like you might kill them in their sleep is just Michael’s thing. Probably unaware of his sexy homicidal stare. So what’s going on if it’s not blossoming love? An honest conversation about his undying feelings for Laurina. I mean, Lisa and Laurina went through the shitstorm that was Blake Garvey together so it’s a safe say they’re mates. Or maybe Michael wants to do the bad thing with Lisa. Time will tell!

GRANT + ALI

Who’s Grant? Grant Kemp is hot as all fuck and from the American series. Fun fact: on the last Bachelor In Paradise he was on he proposed, so he clearly doesn’t give two shits about people’s feelings. Can’t wait.

DAVEY + LEAH

Can’t deal with this gif. I’m so uncomfortable. Looks planted. Whatever floats your throat.

NINA + DANIEL

Look, this is a reaalllll stab in the dark. I can’t see shit. But it looks like Nina. And I’m definitely a “back” kinda girl, and I think I recognise this back. It looks like Daniel Maguire‘s back. Who the fuck is that, I hear you ask? Oh, only an actual sex demon from the American series. Stay tuned. He’ll be there. I saw his face in the promo.

MEGAN + ELORA

Anyone who’s anyone knows there is – what horny publications (not me, never) like to call – a “steamy lesbian kiss”. Literally saw that headline, don’t shoot the messenger.

GUYS THIS IS ONLY SOME OF THE ACTION.

The promo (which is for broadcast only and I’m sorry I cannot show you in full) also shows lil milliseconds of: the rose-eating Russian Sasha and Perth girl Rach from Richie’s season, as well as Jared Haibon who is an actual angel from the American series who always gets cock-blocked by his head-case ex.

In short? Everyone’s going to get it on.

Image: Channel Ten

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