AS A cloud of Joop descends on The Bachelorette mansion and a stream of ASOS suits file through the front door, a petty fight between straight boys breaks out with some random grandad forced to step in and break it up.
Why would we do this to ourselves again? After having our time wasted by Nick Cummins just last week on The Bachelor, we’re bruised. It’s almost like you can’t find love on a reality show anymore.
It seems crazy to put ourselves through this so soon after having our dreams dashed only days ago. But we’re determined to have the love story that Nick robbed us of. Also, a group of straight white guys wearing Chemist Warehouse cologne is even more hilarious to make fun of than a bunch of girls who haven’t exfoliated their spray tans off properly.
So we’re on board.
On Wednesday night’s premiere, we wait patiently for The Bachelorette courtesy Tarago to drop off this year’s selection of finance bros, real estate agents and entrepreneurs so we can spend the next eight weeks listening to them crap on about the lease agreements on their used Range Rovers.
There has been a lot of talk about how white the cast is this year. And I agree, it’s very disappointing to see. But I like to think men with different backgrounds are just too smart to enter this mess.
Of course, we can’t go further without mentioning Ali. This is her third time around The Bachelor mansion. Fans will remember her getting dumped by Tim Robards in series one. And people with too much time on their hands will remember her with frizzy hair on Bachelor In Paradise earlier this year.
As we wait for the boys to file down the path to the mansion, Osher tries to make awkward and unnecessary small talk.
“What do you see here?” he asks Ali as she prepares for her life to be destroyed by this franchise one final time.
“ … A … place?” she replies.
“I’m looking for a future husband,” she says. “I don’t want to go after that bad boy any more.”
Producers have adhered to Ali’s criteria and assembled a fine group of gentlemen who would make fantastic future husbands.
Among this group of white men is a guy who looks like viral surgery sensation The Human Ken Doll. And I mean that with such affection. Everyone knows there are two things I’m obsessed with: The Keli Lane mystery. And what it would be like to sleep with The Human Ken Doll. What a truly remarkable experience.
“I’d love to come home to a fricken’ banging chick,” Nathan, The Human Ken Doll, tells us.
We cringe but we don’t judge. Everyone has different desires. For example, I like to come home to Gilmore Girls re-runs and Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough.
“I’m good looking, funny, charismatic, muscly,” he adds.
After this statement, it’s seems only right we wait until he’s mid-sentence and making a funny face to screenshot his picture.
“I didn’t come here to not party. I’m super pumped to meet the other boys. I hope they got red wine in there,” he says. At first we thought he was super crass but then he classed himself up by saying he loves chugging red wine.
The Human Ken Doll is a prince compared to what comes after. The next guy just throws himself at Ali and it’s super sleazy. After all we’ve been fighting for, it’s like some guys still don’t get it.
Next up is Robert the plumber. He arrives carrying some kind of porcelain canister.
It has the word “Nonna” on the label so obviously he has brought his Nonna’s ashes to give to Ali.
He provides a more logical reason for the gift but I prefer my story so that is the only one that will be presented here.
Look, not all the guys are losers. Well, they probably are. But there are varying degrees. There’s a nice guy who makes a book out of some wood and he’ll probably win but we’re not her for nice gestures. So here’s a bozo on a segway.
Now seems like the perfect time for producers to construct a stupid and tasteless joke.
“I have a confession,” Bill, some plumber from Melbourne, tells Ali. “I wasn’t actually born Bill. I was born something … different.”
Ali looks terrified. Producers cut to a break. We all get what the insinuation is. We roll our eyes while dissecting a Tim Tam — scraping the cream filling off each layer with our front teeth.
When we return from the break, the dated gag continues.
“ … I was born … actually … David,” he says. “But ever since I could remember, I’ve been called Bill.”
Ali goes and puts it bluntly.
“AHAHAHA! HE’S NOT A WOMAN! TICK! AHAHAHA,” she screams.
Look, we don’t expect much from this show, and everything we’re all thinking about this gag doesn’t need to be said.
It’s just a crap joke. Like on the weekend when I went rollingblading while wearing denim shorts and visor sunglasses and a group of teenage boys on a bus yelled out, “Gay!”
First of all, obviously. Also, you’re on a bus.
Anyway, my point is: say no to crap jokes.
We need to change the tone from this, so here’s someone’s sweet old grandad.
Next up, we hear the sound of metallic clinks coming down the path. And when this guy appears, we can only think of one thing: the chafe from that steel armour must be insane. A lot of people don’t know this but, in the Middle Ages, armour-induced chafe was the number one cause of death and that’s how clothes were invented.
Then someone with a Geordie Shore accent tumbles down the grass and proceeds to overuse the word “fit”.
“Obviously I played football in the UK. Obviously you keep yourself in good shape. And obviously I manage a gym. So there you go,” Paddy says.
Obviously Paddy will not win.
Once inside, he goes and tells a bunch of lies. And that’s so not fit. I don’t know if I’m using “fit” right but I think that’s close.
“I don’t want to brag about it or be cocky. But she kissed me on the lips, aye. I got the first kiss boys. She was fit,” he says.
He’s annoying. So annoying that The Human Ken Doll goes and calls him OTT — and that’s saying something.
This tension immediately turns them into enemies. It escalates when Paddy and Nathan start trying to one-up each other in front of Ali.
Nathan starts crapping on about Paddy and then this guy with the sick side fade decides to cause drama by tattling to Paddy.
Paddy’s the perfect reality contestant because he loves confronting people and yelling “say it to my face!”
So he does this to The Human Ken Doll and a petty straight boy fight breaks out. That random grandad decides to insert himself in the drama but that’s just what grandads do. Grandads are the biggest drama queens of all and love nothing more than getting swept up in a public incident.
The Human Ken Doll shrieks and palms Paddy. Was it aggressive? Or was he just protecting his cheek bones? Who can say.
“What are you pushing me for? Why are you pushing me?” Paddy squeals.
This brutish energy surges around the room. And, out of nowhere, the boys decide there’s only one way to prove their dominance: through a choreographed dance routine.
While this is going on, Paddy continues to scream all our favourite F words.
“She’s fit as f*ck. She’s fit as a f*ck. Perfect legs. perfect Haircit. FIT AS F************CK,” he tells everyone.
It disrupts the peace and the random grandad has had enough. At first he considers just penning a scathing submission for the Letters To The Editor section of his local newspaper. But his anger grows. And, like all grandads, he decides it’s up to him to publicly confront the loud stranger about his behaviour.
The generation gap becomes immediately clear.
“I said she’s fit as f*ck! That’s a compliment,” Paddy pleads before jumping on a skateboard and mooning the grandad as he rolls away.
We’ve had enough of this crapshow and shuffle everyone into the rose ceremony hall. As all the boys line up, we stand behind Ali and look at the selection before us. It’s a real who’s who of ASOS suits.
Paddy gets through and he reckons it’s fit. So does The Human Ken Doll. Neither will win, but we keep them in for the drama.
This guy gets booted and, honestly, I think his exit is unfairly premature.
Suddenly, sinister music begins to play. What’s about to happen? Osher walks in wearing three-quarter pants and velvet slippers. Yes, his exposed ankles make us shudder. But something bigger is about to happen.
“Poor woman,” Nathan stage-whispers so Paddy can hear.
“Because YOU’RE a joke,” Paddy hits back.
It’s so not fit.
For more observations on Gilmore Girls and rollerbladingl, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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