James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2018 episode 2

BREAKING free of the shackles network executives tried to put on other Bachelorettes, Ali has tossed aside all modesty and got down with several guys within 24 hours of being in the mansion.

It’s exactly the kind of action we signed up for. Nick Cummins was a snooze and he kept rejecting kisses from everyone because he was scared of getting cold sores. But Ali is brave. She doesn’t care about dormant oral infections.

People don’t want to admit it, but, if you want to find love, you have to kiss a lot of boys who are studying for their real estate license. Ali’s a realist. She’s aware of the work that’s involved and she’s prepared to do what it takes.

We applaud this approach and raise a tube of Zovirax in her honour.

She’s already kissed one random. And on Thursday night, she kisses two more. One of these kisses happens on a Twister mat that’s suspended one kilometre above the ground so it’s all very relatable.

But she didn’t always have this take-action approach. Just hours earlier, she was still somehow convinced she should uphold some old fashioned modesty.

“I just want to take it slow and not fall for anyone too soon,” she told us.

Her tone was sure, confident, hopeful. It’s the same way I sound when I announce that this is the week I’m cutting carbs and sugar.

But, like me, Ali caves seconds after making the bold declaration.

She organises to go on a single date with Charlie and they both wear active gear while gripping a Twister mat that has been harnessed by thin wires between two skyscrapers.

It’s all pretty basic. Ali pretends to be scared even though she approved this date and Charlie tries to be #masc.

“My natural instincts are taking over and I go into protection mode,” he says while trying to hold Ali like an injured bird.

I know what he means about instincts. In these kinds of situations, something primal happens within me and I go into full-blown stage mum mode where I don’t let people quit no matter how vulnerable they are and if they start crying I just yell at them about how they’ve failed and wasted my money.

Everyone handles pressure differently.

“What’s the worst that could happen? Nothing,” Charlie says.

And this is a total lie. Lots of things could happen.

For example, they could roll off the Twister mat and free-fall for a terrifying 300 metres before hitting a palm tree and then, as their bodies rapidly untangle from the fronds, plummet onto a street lamp and then, just when they think it’s over, flop onto the roof of a moving Uber before finally rolling off and thudding onto the bitumen.

I don’t want to sensationalise but this is just one of the many possible outcomes that could happen.

It’s around this time Ali decides to retract her statement about taking it slow. She speeds it up and starts making out with Charlie on the Twister mat that’s flapping 600m above the earth’s surface.

We’ve all done crazy things on Twister mats so we cut her some slack. But it’s not just the intoxicating powers of the interactive game that make her come onto Charlie so strong. Back on the ground, she can’t help herself.

She calls him “stiff” and gets all up in it again.

Charlie’s now obsessed and thinks Ali is his girlfriend but Ali’s already looking for a new guy to kiss and we totally encourage this because you should always be informed of your options.

Once back at the mansion, Charlie decides to give the boys a stern talking to about him and mum.

“She knows exactly what she wants. And she’s very strong about it. And if you’re not ready for that then there’s the door. If you guys aren’t here for the right reasons then you’re just wasting everyone’s time,” he says while we laugh at him and make these faces.

Charlie is intense. He has total clinger vibes but he’s better at hiding them than clingers Cass and Jarrod from The Bachelor seasons of yore.

There are so many boys to be annoyed by on this show. The irritating personalities go the full range. For example, Paddy’s annoying because he’s loud and seems like one of those British backpackers that would feature prominently in a docuseries about gross European party islands.

But on the other hand, there’s Dan who’s heaps uptight and we’d love to take him to a European party island and secretly film him because the disgusted facial expressions he’d make as a bunch of Paddys drunkenly streak down a dirt road would be hilarious.

Dan becomes particularly annoying on the already-annoying photoshoot date.

The brief is to look sexy because we’re posing for some new Mills & Boon covers. Obviously we look amazing. But Dan’s dressed like Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Jostling with the near-nude boys, Dan tries to get Ali’s attention. He decides the only way he can compete with the muscles of the other boys is to show off his exceptional conversational skills.

“You know one of the best dishes I ever had was with a German friend just outside Hamburg,” he offers.

The dialogue is crackling. It’s the kind of effortless first date banter you dream about. And it just doesn’t stop.

“Good poached eggs I reckon I can have a crack at. Avocado. Mix it up,” he adds.

I’ve been known to do some wild things in order to secure a nice bratwurst but Ali is not that kind of gal. Well, she is and that’s why we love her. But she’s just not keen on Paul Blart’s bratwurst.

All this talk of bratwurst has sent us into a spin and, as soon as we arrive at the cocktail party, Ali grabs Robert by the arm and drags him down into the backyard to make out behind some giant Chinese lanterns.

But this is where the steaminess ends. It seems the Lord has caught wind of the behaviour we’ve been encouraging in the mansion. He sends in Jesus.

But the boys here don’t have time for religious icons who have musicals based on their life.

The count down is on and there’s only minutes left before the rose ceremony. Charlie’s already had two kisses tonight and he wants a third. He interrupts and tells Jesus to eat dirt.

That twerp with the Geordie Shore accent gets so up in arms about it you’d think he’s just been kicked off a Contiki Tour.

“It’s so disrespectful! Dog move!” he yells. He doesn’t care about Jesus being shoved out of his own date. He’s just annoyed Charlie’s getting even more time.

But you gotta play dirty in The Bachelor mansion, and the bold move from Charlie works. His interruption influences Ali’s choice and, at the rose ceremony, she sends Jesus home.

Living on a cloud with magical powers would be nice, but Ali has to stay true to herself. After all, Jesus would never make out on a suspended Twister mat.

For more observations on Twister mats and being a stage mum, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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