James Weir: Sam and Phoebe Burgess’ split becomes cryptic head spin - NEWS.com.au

If your breakup isn’t followed by seemingly cryptic social media movements, did you ever really split?

The Christmas separation of NRL golden couple Sam and Phoebe Burgess just didn’t seem real until suspicious activity on the ‘Gram ensued.

It started innocently enough. An “unfollow” here. A “like” there. But it has now escalated, with the divide between Phoebe and the Burgess clan illuminated.

The latest cryptic hint at bitterness came when Phoebe “liked” a post by her manager Sharon Finnigan.

“It’s funny how you’re nice to my face. It’s hilarious how you talk s--t behind my back. And it’s downright comical that you think I’m unaware,” the post scoffed.

Searing stuff.

Mother-of-two Phoebe punched the heart button on the post so hard she almost shattered her iPhone screen. And then when we all saw her endorsement of the message, we took it as a clear sign she had been recently betrayed by someone close.

We won’t accept any other explanation. As Sigmund Freud said, human behaviour sees us only endorse social media posts that truly resonate with us. All of my “likes” are reserved for memes about having mental breakdowns and eating fast food and I have no problem admitting that’s an accurate description of my current wellbeing.

So it’s settled. Phoebe’s “like” was a deliberate dig at a Burgess.

Was she thinking of Sam? Or perhaps her sister-in-law Joanna, who we’re all convinced keeps taking swipes at Phoebe on Instagram.

On Christmas Day, Joanna — who is the wife of Sam’s brother, George — posted a pic of the Burgess family lunch and dubbed it the “best one yet”. With Phoebe noticeably absent, we were all convinced it was a shady move. Then when she innocently clarified “Phoebe has never joined the Burgess side for previous Christmas festivities” we decided to interpret this as another catty swipe.

Are you keeping up? I feel like we need a chart.

To top it all off, Joanna and George went and unfollowed Phoebe and then Phoebe retaliated by unfollowing them too and we got so caught up in the hoopla we decided to unfollow a bunch of work colleagues just to create drama of our own.

It’s all quite the head spin.

And where’s Sam in all this? Has he unfollowed anyone? Surely he’s liked a sassy meme for us all to misinterpret as a cryptic sledge to his estranged wife.

He reportedly spent the past two weekends holed up in Russell Crowe’s farm house on the north coast. I’ve never seen inside Russell Crowe’s farm house but in my mind it’s very stuffy and has never been cleaned and would definitely not have Wi-Fi for Sam to check Instagram.

30 Odd Foot of Grunts memorabilia probably plasters the walls and the plaid curtains would be permanently pulled shut. There’d be a tonne of closet space because Russell only wears that one black fleece tracksuit.

The guest bedroom wouldn’t have a bed per se — just a bunch of blankets bundled on the floor of the gold Gladiator chariot.

It’s the perfect place for a man to dwell and avoid cryptic Instagram wars with his estranged wife as their marriage publicly implodes.

We should all follow the example. Next time you find yourself at the centre of a bitter breakup, isolate yourself at Russell Crowe’s Wi-Fi-less farm house.

GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT

The people have spoken and what they want is clear: more stories about real people being poisoned by their own boobs.

While local magazines continue to fold, one is upping its output. That’s Life! has announced it will add a monthly edition on top of its weekly offering.

If you’re not already reading That’s Life! you’re missing out. Forget that Liane Moriarty lady. That’s Life! features some of the best storytelling of our time. The narratives are a rollercoaster.

“Poisoned by my boobs,” was one harrowing tale that featured in the pages of the magazine recently. “I’m hairy and proud!” was another.

On the cover of the most recent edition shrieks the headline: “She KILLED her son with TABLE SALT”.

The fantastic thing about That’s Life! is the magazine’s title suggests all the stories are simple and relatable everyday occurrences but not once have I almost been murdered with table salt. Kinda feel like I’m missing out.

It takes a lot for your story to be worth of becoming a cracking That’s Life! yarn. If your tragic anecdote only ends with you acquiring a weird skin condition, that’s not enough to make it into its esteemed pages.

No one cares about your weird skin condition, Carol.

But if you have a weird skin condition that led to you losing three fingers which then made your husband divorce you for your sister, who then gave birth to a baby which possessed three extra fingers that look exactly like the ones you lost, you’re on your way to being a That’s Life! cover girl.

Congratulations on your misfortune, Carol.

BACK TO BASICS

Abandon all your 2019 fitness goals immediately — you weren’t going to reach them anyway.

There’s a far simpler way to snap back.

Byron Bay model Ruby Tuesday Matthews this week revealed how she maintained her trim body before kids.

“Basically I smoked cigarettes, had long blacks and did coke,” she said in an Instagram video.

Finally, a voice of reason.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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