In an ugly swirl of screaming and name calling, a Married At First Sight wife is physically attacked on Monday night, with the victim forced to defend herself while wearing a hydrating face mask and a terry-towelling bathrobe.
It’s humiliating having strangers see you in a terry-towelling bathrobe and face mask. But to have those strangers also see you physically attacked in the ensemble? How startling.
I used the word victim before, but don’t be fooled. This is not entirely innocent. Nasty behaviour is wafting around the apartment tower and another dirty rumour is being spread.
Obviously there’s an important issue we need to address right up top: Why did Martha leave her face mask on for the entire 90-minute fight with Cyrell?
Martha is a high-maintenance lady and knows how facial masks work. Read the back of any face mask and it will usually stipulate not to leave on for 15 or 20 minutes max.
Regardless, the skin treatment did add a glamorous touch to the shock altercation.
We haven’t seen someone look so spectacularly hydrated while arguing since Bachelor In Paradise’s Laurina had a hysterical break down while wearing gold undereye masks. It’s iconic and something I’ve adopted in my own life — whenever I feel an argument coming on, I throw on a Fructis Hydrabomb mask and start screaming.
Anyway, there’s another big dirty rumour. And the flames are again being fanned by Martha. It’s all very convoluted and we need a pin board and a red pen to explain it, but basically Jess told Martha that Nic touched her leg under the dining table and then Martha told Nic in the gym and now Nic has ran back to Cyrell to tell her everything.
Like I said, pin boards and red pens.
“According to Jess, I was rubbing her legs up under the dining table at the dinner party and I was like, this is news to me,” Nic tells Cyrell. “I’m gonna go talk to them about it and say what the f*ck is going on?”
“Well I’m coming with you!” Cyrell screeches while leaping off the couch and out the door.
We blast down the hallway and burst into Mick and Jessika’s apartment. The big dirty rumour is repeated and then we demand answers from Jessika.
She basically says there was a point in the dinner party where she was at the table by herself and Nick kicked her and said, “You all good?” because she looked like a nigel no friends.
“Why’s Martha making it sound more sexual than that?” Cyrell asks.
We pipe up with a suggestion: Maybe we should all go confront Martha.
“GO GET THE BITCH NOW!” Cyrell screams.
We all run down the hallway and bash into Martha’s apartment. She’s in the middle of a facial while Michael paints her toenails. They’re wearing matching terry-towelling bathrobes. It’s a regular Tuesday afternoon.
Five people have broken into her apartment and are yelling at her, but Martha refuses to take off her face mask.
“Jess did say that you rubbed her leg, you said you didn’t, that’s that. End it at that,” Martha tells the group.
But it’s not that clean and simple. She knew she was stirring the pot when she began spreading Jessika’s comment and Cyrell won’t let it rest.
“What if it was true? What if he was rubbing her leg under the table and he said yeah, ‘I’m into her!” Martha tells Cyrell.
Cyrell banishes everyone from the room. This is between them.
“I’m just gonna be straight up and frank with you. I genuinely don’t like you,” Cyrell spits.
Martha listens intently while still wearing the mask like everything is completely normal.
“I think you shit stir. I think you bitch around people’s backs,” Cyrell continues. “So what I’m gonna tell you now is, from now on Martha, stay the f*ck out of my life, don’t make a comment about my life. Or Nic’s.”
Martha has had enough. It’s about to get messy. She peels the bottom half of her face mask off and throws it across the lounge room. It splatters on the wall and smears down to the floor.
“Bitch, if you f*ckin’ swear at me-,” she begins, but Cyrell cuts her off.
“What! What! What!” Cyrell screams and we don’t know what this face is, but we enjoy it.
They get to their feet and, suddenly, Cyrell grabs Martha by the neck of her terry towelling bathrobe. It’s truly shocking.
A producer intervenes. He throws his body between the ladies to protect Martha.
“Don’t f*ck around with me Martha, I ain’t scared of you!” Cyrell screams.
She’s not done. She runs around the coffee table and charges at Martha. The producer jumps in again and she tries to push him down but then he shoulder rams her.
“Move out of my way!” Cyrell demands as she’s dragged away.
After standing back for the brunt of the altercation, Michael, dressed in a pink terry towelling bathrobe, comforts Martha as she giggles.
Cyrell hears the cackling and it provokes her again. She runs back down the hallway and into the living room.
“Are you f*ckin’ laughing?” she shrieks, but Nic pulls her back and she smashes a fruit bowl on the tiled floor.
“She’s a germ,” Martha spits as Cyrell struts out into the hallway like she’s a rock star.
Suddenly, producers make us leave and go check on the intruders who are on their stupid honeymoons. It’s basically just Dan complaining about not getting sex from Tamara and, again, we’re distracted by his veneers.
Meanwhile, Ning and Mark re-take their wedding photos and, honestly, I think the original picture where they both look depressed is better than this one.
We also check in on Jules and she’s become that annoying friend who, after being single for a decade, has finally got a boyfriend and they’ve only been together for a week but she’s gotten super cocky about it and starts dishing out love advice at any chance she gets.
But we didn’t tune in tonight for love advice. We came for a physical altercation.
We run back to the apartment building and we find Cyrell storming through the lobby while trying to negotiate seven wheelie suitcases.
“First of all, I hate the way that bitch talks. She thinks she’s such a f*ckin’ hectic, sexy, prissy bitch,” she spits. We tell her we’re still listening but pull out our phones to update our dating profile name to “f*ckin’ hectic sexy prissy bitch”.
She’s lured into an Uber and taken to an emergency meeting with John Aiken who tells her to apologise to Martha and to please stop grabbing people by the necks of their terry-towelling bathrobes.
We go check on Martha to see if she’s OK. She’s wearing a neck brace and is surrounded by a team of security. They’re all wearing face masks.
There’s a knock at the door. Cyrell bursts in and Martha’s PTSD propells her to clutch her neck out of protection.
“I’m sorry for … you know … grabbing you,” Cyrell mumbles.
Martha won’t have it. She banishes Cyrell and calls her a germ again.
“I guess if it doesn’t work out with them she could have a really successful career with Pedigree Pal as a model,” she spits. She expects us to laugh but we don’t.
Things have gotten ugly. And we miss the respectful, mature conversations once offered up by Ines and Lizzie.
After all this, we need to lie down with a big jar of Nutella and a face mask.
For more observations on face masks and being a f*ckin’ hectic, sexy, prissy bitch, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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