While a 29-year-old virgin’s vivacious romp through his wedding night plays out in front of Australia on Sunday night’s Married At First Sight, an arrogant groom gets all Michelle Bridges and continually body shames his new wife before threatening to wake her up at ridiculous hours to go running.
No one should be exposed to such heinous threats.
It’s all happening on Sunday night and the experts are thrilled to be back in the lab ruining more lives.
“I love this process!” John Aiken beams as he randomly picks up the photos of two people from a messy stack of applications and pairs them together.
“Who’s next?” Mel Schilling chirps as she leans back in her chair and swings her legs up excitedly on the table, kicking off Dr Trisha’s magic potions.
Good question, Schilling. Your next victim for the evening is Matthew, the 29-year-old virgin.
When we meet Matthew, we witness him doing really virgin-y things like hiking through forests and reading and sometimes hiking through forests while reading. He really likes to read.
“I’m a vivacious reader,” he tells us. I don’t know what you need to do to be a vivacious reader but it sounds like it involves a lot of animated page-turning.
We see him in the kitchen with his over-bearing mother, who asks her son what he’s doing this weekend.
“Not having sex!” we yell at the television.
When Matthew’s not reading vivaciously or hanging out with his mum, he’s taking singing lessons with this dame.
He begins to tell us what his experience with girls has been like.
“My relationship history is pretty …”
“Bleak!” we yell at the TV.
He pauses.
“Sad?” we suggest.
“ … Minimal,” he concludes.
Matthew tells his family and his no-nonsense mother Rhonda is unimpressed.
Matthew’s sister Ashleigh is just as judgy.
“Everyone’s gonna see it. And people aren’t nice about things like this,” she huffs.
How dare you, Ashleigh. You don’t even know us. We’re delightful and we’ve been totally respectful about Matthew being a virgin who can’t drive.
After a long chat with John Aiken, Matthew is made to sign a waiver that says he will have sex on this program with whomever he is paired with.
We all feel so lucky that we get to be involved and experience the moment with him. How is it going to be executed? Will we be made wait with the cameraman outside the slightly ajar door while Matthew does it in John Aiken’s office with Dr Trisha in a lab coat just inches away, coaching him through it? I hope so. That would be really intimate and nice.
“We have to be very careful in finding the right match for Matthew,” Mel Schilling says knowingly.
Keen observation, Schilling. And it’s one we agree with. So we’re thrilled to announce Matthew is paired with understated wallflower Elizabeth.
We lie. Elizabeth and Matthew would be great for each other, but the experts decide to pair him with Lauren.
She’s a 31-year-old adult acne survivor. She’s honestly very lovely and a great match for Matthew.
Next up, we meet Samuel, who explains to us the hardships of being really, really ridiculously good looking.
“I do enjoy my modelling,” he says casually, the same way I tell people, “I do enjoy my family-size Kit Kats”.
“I just want a natural, beautiful woman,” he insists.
He’s paired with Lizzie, a 27-year-old store manager who has never watched a YouTube makeup tutorial she didn’t immediately try. Girlfriend adores makeup. Too much is not enough. Napoleon Perdis didn’t fall into receivership this week, they actually just ran out of makeup to sell because Lizzie bought it all.
“Guys are very intimidated by me,” she tells us but, honestly, I think most people are intimated by her.
On her wedding day, we catch her in her cabin at 5am. The light is soft and the chaos of the day hasn’t begun. The lip liner hasn’t been touched, mascara wands have not been exhausted. It’s all very A Star Is Born.
But the peace is soon disturbed when a random makeup artist rocks up and suggests a nude lip.
Lizzie eats her alive.
Sam is a conflicted man. On one hand, he says he wants a girl who sees past his really, really ridiculously good looks and into his kind soul. He just doesn’t want to have to do that for someone else.
“My biggest fear is I turn around and I’ve got a girl that’s bigger than me there — imagine that!” he scoffs.
Yeah, what a nightmare. How brave of you to go through with this, Sam.
When the moment finally comes and Lizzie makes her way down the aisle, he turns around and meets his wife.
He has some immediate thoughts.
“Straight away I notice the blonde hair, I’m more a brunette man,” he says. And then he gets all Michelle Bridges.
“I’ve never really dated girls as big as Elizabeth in the past, to be honest,” he squints.
“Maybe I’ll get her running in the mornings with me. Maybe drag her outta bed with me. I don’t know. She’ll be right. We’ll get her going. She’ll be fine.”
Across town, Matthew prepares for his wedding day by eating a carrot stick and reading vivaciously.
At the ceremony, Rhonda starts getting all judgy again.
Matthew and Lauren love each other which is all very boring and then they kiss but it only lasts a nanosecond. At first we’re disappointed by the meh kiss, but then we remind ourselves this is a long-game and we don’t want to scare Matthew off.
“He has a very soft kiss,” Lauren gushes, unaware those lips she just felt have never been touched.
“I do have a surprise planned for my new wife,” Matthew confides in us.
“My heart’s fluttering, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. My knees wanna shake a little bit. My adrenaline's starting to pump.”
Oh my gosh. He’s going to have sex in front of all these people right now. We ambush the DJ and grab the AUX cord to plug in our phone so we can play some Sade to set the mood.
But then Matthew’s vivacious singing teacher plonks down next to us and starts banging away on the electric keyboard.
A spotlight suddenly flashes down and Matthew appears centre stage. He begins to belt out the bolero-mambo classic Sway. It’s just like a Michael Bublé concert but even worse.
We escape the mortifying scenes and zip over to Sam and Lizzie’s reception, where Sam is still being full of himself and trying to sell gym memberships.
He has ditched his new wife to go talk to his mates out the back.
“She’s obviously not as slim as the girls I dated in the past. She’s bigger. Hopefully she’s into running a lot,” he says.
Oh, Sam. You’re the one who better like running. Because Lizzie isn’t gonna let you go.
After his rousing performance, Matthew feels electrified. There’s nothing he can’t accomplish. He is the maker of his destiny. So he takes a deep breath and tells Lauren he’s a Cher Horowitz.
“I’m actually still a virgin,” he exhales.
Her response is perfect.
“Shit!” she blurts out, eyes wide and mouth agape.
The admission hasn’t changed the way Lauren feels. And it shouldn’t. Matthew is a lovely guy. In fact, this makes her like him even more.
“I feel a sense of responsibility to make it special for him,” she smiles.
Oh, you kids. It will happen when it happens.
And when it does, it will be vivacious.
For more observations on bolero-mambo classics and being vivacious, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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