The Bachelorette’s creepy politician who exhibits similar qualities to a deranged ventriloquist dummy has been exposed as a vile slimeball, with an avalanche of his sickening remarks about Angie and female crew members going to air on Thursday night after he placed his head in an inappropriate location and seemingly mimed a sexual act.
Sooo … just a regular night in The Bachelorette mansion? We miss the pure and tame days, when girls just went around behind Matt’s back calling him a dog cantaloupe.
Everyone becomes so uncomfortable and creeped out by Jess the sleazy politician tonight that he’s exposed — and his disgusting conduct goes far beyond what we first thought. There’s only one thing for Angie to do.
It’s heavy stuff. We feel like coating our bodies in Dettol hand sanitiser after the things we witness. Jess’s remarks are bad enough but wait until you see his … tongue lashings. I almost threw up the packet of Mars Pods I ate for dinner.
Let’s lighten the mood and laugh at this grown man throwing a tantrum and about to quit the show because he was made dress like a Coles BBQ chicken.
There’s a lot going on tonight so obviously we’ll address the most important things up top and go from there. First up? Carlin’s yen for jean jackets. He wears two different kinds of jean jackets tonight on his 24 hour date with Angie and I just think it’s a vital detail to note.
Carlin loves jean jackets and he looks sensational in them. For the date, he wears a black one while for his piece-to-camera interviews, he wears a blue one. Tres exquis! But life’s not all jean jackets and facials and Carlin has something big he needs to reveal to Angie.
“I’ve got something I do need to get off my chest, I don’t want to scare Ange off,” he confides in us. We breath a sigh of relief. Finally. The hot guy has a flaw. It’s not fair for people to be this attractive and I’m personally hoping his revelation is regarding an ailment that requires the daily use of an embarrassing ointment.
He’s so wound up about this revelation that he doesn’t even notice producers make him have a three course meal with Angie in the middle of a swamp.
“I suppose I’ve been a little bit nervous coming into this experience because I’m super vulnerable with my story,” he trembles, too nervous to make eye contact with Angie. “I’m the kinda guy who wants to be open and transparent. I am … married.”
Whoa. Huge news. Angie wishes the revelation was just something simple, like Carlin being medically required to use an embarrassing ointment everyday for the rest of his life.
“In 2016 I got married. We’ve been apart for a year and a half. We drifted apart. And I was pretty hurt in the process,” he continues. “And she’s moved overseas now so for me it was like I’ve closed that chapter of my life. So we filed for divorce and stuff and I suppose that’s the last stage of that. So, it hasn’t been final, yet.”
This has really thrown a spanner in the works. But he’s hot and not a creep, unlike that sleazy politician — and on this show you’ve really got to find the silver lining. Compared to the laundry list of problems attached to all the other losers up for grabs, Carlin still being married carries the same weight as an overdue parking fine so we all shrug and move on.
When we arrive at the group date, we kind of wish we lingered in the murky waters of Carlin’s tumultuous divorce a little longer because it’s the most annoying group date of all: the novelty photoshoot. Lame.
The theme for today’s photoshoot is … well, I’m not entirely sure. But I think this guy is dressed as an STD.
Then some guy called Wazza gets made to dress up as a chicken and we all laugh at him which sends him into a real spin and he throws a tantrum and storms off.
“F*ck off! F**k! F**k! I’ve just f*ckin’ pulled the pin. This is too far. F**kin’ stop it!” he wails before demanding producers take him back to the mansion. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re crying while wearing a comical chicken costume but Wazza tries his hardest.
We tell that BBQ chicken we’ll smell him later and head on over to the farm photoshoot. That creepy politician is made dress up as the back-end of a horse. Conveniently, the photographer asks Angie to sit on top of the horse. Confected drama is the best kind.
“Don’t mind me if I get some wondering fingers, all right?” the creepy politician sneers into Angie’s ear.
It’s repulsive. We never want to see fingers again in our lives.
“My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘Damn, I’m gonna be the first person she gets to ride,” he smirks.
Ew.
Angie is a brave woman for following through with the task at hand but her regret is imminent when, moments later, that slimy little politician sticks his head out of an opening in the horse costume and leans towards her lower-half and begins lashing his tongue.
When it comes to creepiness, it’s hard to top lurking behind someone and lashing your tongue at them, but Jess is a master at sleaziness and just keeps trying to outdo himself.
“Shit, I bet she’s turned on. She’s up for it,” he leers as he watches Angie pose with another random guy for a photo.
Everyone is sickened. They don’t know how to respond. “I think Jess is being a mad creep” one of the boys whispers. But Carlin isn’t scared of no weirdo politician and pledges to expose the slimeball to Angie.
We all arrive at the cocktail party excitedly awaiting the moment where Angie will take out the garbage. But that gets delayed when the big BBQ chicken comes out and throws another tantrum.
“F**k this! I don’t wanna be a chook on national TV!” Wazza cries as he enters the cocktail party dressed in a hoodie.
The problem is, he already was a chook on national TV. And then he went and threw a tantrum and sulked while dressed like a chook thus making his situation even more embarrassing.
We tell that chicken to cross the road. He cries more and runs out to the Uber and drives off without even saying bye to Angie. Now he doesn’t look like a chicken — he just looks like a turkey. OK, that’s enough poultry humour.
While all this rubbish is going on, Carlin is storming around the mansion trying to find Angie to reveal all about Jess’ disgusting behaviour. He keeps mumbling things about it being “his responsibility as a man to stand up for inappropriate behaviour” and it makes us love him even more. We almost forget about the fact he’s still married and about to endure a toxic divorce process.
He locates Angie and reveals all! Even stuff we didn’t know. Apparently Jess has been making sexual comments to the makeup girls and crew. Angie’s fuming. Livid and on a mission, she storms through the garden to find this troll doll. Word spreads she’s on the warpath and Jess just goes and kicks it up another level.
“Bring it on, bitch,” he snips about Angie.
“I got told to jump on your back because it was part of a photoshoot. I did not ask you to say, ‘Ride me’ and move your back while I was on top of you!” she blasts Jess. “And I’ve heard from the guys you don’t say nice things about me and you actually make a lot of the makeup artists and crew not feel very comfortable. And if there’s anything in my life that I’m super sure of, it’s that I will never allow a man to come in and f**k with my sisterhood. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life.”
And just like that, she expels him from The Bachelorette mansion.
‘I’m going back to Noosa to find the love of my life in a dirty dingy nightclub,” Jess snips from the back of his Uber. Ugh, sounds glamorous.
Ladies of Noosa, beware of unwanted tongue lashings from a rogue vaudeville puppet that’s on the loose and at large.
For more observations on jean jackets and Coles BBQ chickens, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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