ARMED with the secrets of what unfolded on the drunk and vile boys' night, one wife on Married At First Sight has publicly named and shamed the perpetrators during a mighty drunken fight at Wednesday night's dinner party.
It has been a big week. There was the gross boys' night. Justin's still claiming to have invented Magnums. And Tracey continues to be blime-fibe-eb by life.
Of course, this is just what I've gathered. I've missed the last three episodes because of my annual gay sabbatical for Mardi Gras - which I attended with a mum-of-two who brought cardigans and Le Snaks in her handbag. I'd like to say it was a night of debauchery but, honestly, the gayest thing I did was accidentally whack a Cher impersonator in the face with a Le Snak as I stood on a milk crate and threw them out to a crowd of starving kweens.
It's taken several days to recover but I've returned, reluctantly. And I can confirm Wednesday night's dinner party is as potent as the Britney Spears Fantasy perfume Sarah insists on spritzing herself with this evening.
As all the couples reflect on the respective boys' and girls' nights while getting ready to leave for the dinner party, none of the husbands want to reveal exactly what unfolded. Except Pat. Charlene bullies him into telling her everything and he caves immediately.
Charlene's excited for many reasons. Firstly, it's fun knowing the dark sordid truth of a situation - particularly when it doesn't affect you negatively in any way. And secondly, she's thrilled to finally have a substantial storyline.
Armed with this intel, Charlene becomes overwhelmed with what to do with it. On the Uber ride over, she decides this is finally her time to shine and starts mentally writing a searing monologue to deliver at the dinner table. She wants her speech to reveal the disgusting boys' night behaviour and feature an overarching anti-misogyny theme that ultimately makes her the hero of the evening. It's a complex brief but she believes she can nail it.
At the dinner party, as everyone passes salads around the table and Ashley regales us with a fun story about Troy being a massive F-up, Charlene sits back and does a temperature check of the room, waiting for the perfect moment in which to drag these boys.
She decides to make her move and it's clear she's been practising this moment in her head for the past few hours. There's lots of head rolling and hand gestures and gold hoop earings flying everywhere and I swear at one point she starts quoting the lyrics to Beyonce's Run The World (Girls).
"I'm a WOMAN and speaking on behalf of all WOMEN, I wouldn't be comfortable if someone was offering my wife around to the rest of the men at the table," she declares, staring down at Dean.
Tracey is blime-fibe-eb by the claims and screeches in shock.
"Eb-fube me?!" she shrieks, her lips and fury interfering with her pronunciation. "Are you fubbing kibbing me?!"
Dean's face flushes red and his eyes widen. His mind ticks as he tries to think of how best to negotiate these allegations. He's enraged and he wants a fight. With a mouthful of food, he launches his counter-attack.
"I did not say that!" he booms as chunks of salad fall from his lips. "This is absolute bullsh*t, mate! It's disgusting that you've said that! Pat, I'm very disappointed in you, mate."
Charlene sits back and watches as the bomb she just dropped detonates.
As Charlene and Dean throw barbs across the table, Troy decides he wants to get in on the fight like an annoying younger sibling. It pisses Charlene off - mainly because she has dreams of her misogyny speech going viral and no one's going to take it seriously with Troy's shrill laughter in the background.
"Seriously Troy, rein it in!" she snaps at him.
She continues to attack Dean and reveal the dirty details of the boys' night.
"Did you not do that? Did you not offer Tracey up?" she asks.
As Dean continues to deny everything, Troy jumps to his defence and it riles Charlene again.
"You might just wanna pipe down, chachi!" she yells at him as the table gasps.
Troy doesn't know what chachi means but it doesn't stop him from being offended.
Dean's temper is out of control and he tries to spin the accusations around on Charlene and Pat.
"I would never say anything like that! It's disgusting and I'm disgusted at both of you guys!" he yells at them.
As Charlene starts chanting Beyonce lyrics again, Dean makes his boldest statement to date.
"I've been a feminist my whole life!" he screams and we all stifle our laughter.
Dean then proceeds to champion society's most under-represented and undervalued minority: straight white men.
"You don't talk about men like that!" he yells at Charlene. "How dare you talk about men like that! Screw you, Charlene! That's such bullshit, man!"
At this point, Troy decides to pop his head back into the fight and Charlene promptly slaps him down.
"Troy, seriously dude, sometimes just shut the f-ck up, mate!" she spits.
The rest of the group has kind of gotten over the fight and no one really cares about the boys' night anymore but Charlene and Dean continue to crack on. We don't like Dean but, honestly, Charlene's being very cocky and she was really just looking for a moment to shine and she's not giving it up. They break away and continue their wine-fuelled argument about gender equality and feminism like two first-year university students. If Gab pulls out a guitar and starts finger-picking some Ani DiFranco it would not be out of place.
Somewhere in Charlene's big group presentation, she also revealed Justin's desire to swap Carly for Ashley. I want to say it has made things worse for Carly and Justin but their relationship can't actually get crappier.
Justin refuses to grovel to his wife or express any kind of sorrow or regret. He doesn't care.
"Why are you so weak? Fight for meeee! You don't deserve someone like me! I can do better than you!" Carly scream-cries, hoping each insult will needle her husband enough to trigger a reaction - any reaction.
It doesn't.
Justin stands up at the table and walks through the dining room. He doesn't have the energy to fight. And he can't be bothered pretending to care. He's done. And just as he's about to leave the room, he's whacked in the face by a Le Snak.
For more observations on Le Snaks and Britney Spears' lucrative line of perfumes, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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