Why watching reruns of MacGyver is better than tuning into the royal wedding

HAVE you heard the hot girl from Suits is getting married in real life this weekend?

And she is marrying a prince, which is really heartbreaking news for those of us hoping the common man could have had a shot at stealing the heart Rachel Zane.

Way to give us an even playing field, Harry. Take away your royal bloodline and see how much of a hotshot you are.

I shouldn’t be too hard because from what I gather from the naked photos in Vegas and his dubious fancy dress costume ideas, Harry does seem like a bit of a lad.

My crush on Meghan Markle and respect for Harry’s partying days aside, I can’t for the life of me understand why people care so much about the royal wedding.

If I was to gauge my interest for the event, it would have to sit somewhere around zero.

I feel like I can’t be the only one, but everywhere I look Australia is in royal wedding frenzy.

Event Cinemas, for example, are screening “every remarkable moment of the wedding of HRH Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales and Miss Meghan Markle live on the big screen”.

So you’re telling me a cinema wouldn’t screen a film about a top-secret project on genetically enhanced sharks that turn on their masters and begin to pick them off one by one, but it’s happy to ensure people don’t “miss a single detail of the momentous occasion”?

If the royal wedding getting cinema release over Deep Blue Sea 2 isn’t enough to make your blood boil, the marriage of two people 99.9 per cent of the population have never met being broadcast live on four out of five terrestrial channels should do the trick.

I get that it’s a ratings grab, but Nine, ABC, SBS and Seven are all speculating that everyone in Australia wants to watch the royal wedding. Or at least they are forcing us into submission by not giving us much of a choice.

I might be coming across as cynical, but watching a royal wedding just sounds like the most boring thing on the planet to do on your weekend.

I went to my best mate’s wedding and was disinterested by that ceremony — and I was involved in that one — so why would a wedding of a Hollywood star and prince I have no connection to be of interest?

Thankfully I have a few options to offer to those who want to escape the royal wedding saturation and salvage their Saturday night.

• Sign up to Foxtel Now to stream Cowboys v Rabbitohs and Storm v Sea Eagles, then watch the replay of earlier Titans v Knights match — yes, even a replay of Titans v Knights is a better option than watching the Windsors.

• Head to Channel One and watch MacGyver. It’s a classic episode about 32 college students stranded on a research ship in the Arctic Ocean with no heat and erupting fires. Mac uses video chat to tell them how to stay alive as they await a rescue ship. WARNING: MacGyver ran from 1985 to 1992, so an episode feature “video chat” probably has not aged well at all, although still better than the royal wedding.

• Go to the hottest restaurant/bar in town — because if Event Cinemas and all the terrestrial channels are right, the streets will be deserted as everyone will be tuned in with their eyes on St George’s Chapel.

• Or you could take an old toothbrush and scrub every windowsill in your home until they are immaculately clean. Even that offers more stimulation than Meghan and Harry’s wedding.

The saddest thing about the royal wedding is that it’s expected to boost support for the monarchy in Australia.

University of Sydney researcher Luke Mansillo has analysed trends in our support for the royal family during the past few decades and believes Australia’s allegiance to keep the monarchy is likely to increase following the nuptials.

He said the republic referendum in 1999 showed support for the monarchy at an all-time low, but Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding in 2011, the births of their three children and Saturday’s march down the aisle have turned the tables.

“Events such as royal weddings contribute to improvements as people get to witness the grandeur, the splendour, the pomp and ceremony and this self-legitimises the institution,” Mr Mansillo told AAP.

“After Kate and William’s wedding I found that there was a pretty big bump in the number of people who saw that royalty was important, a seven to eight per cent increase in how many people who thought that what these people do for Australia is important.”

I tend to think replacing the Queen and Governor-General with an Australian president to show the world that we are wholly independent and no longer have a foreigner as our monarch is something slightly more important than what the royals offer us. But maybe that’s just me.

While the most recent Newspoll on support for an Australian republic, published in April, showed support for the monarchy at its highest level in 18 years at 41 per cent, 50 per cent of people said they still want a republic and nine per cent were uncommitted.

Let’s just hope Meghan and Harry’s wedding doesn’t tip us more towards the monarchy because I am pretty tapped out from this nonsense.

Could you also not give a single s**t about the royal wedding? Continue the conversation in the comments below or with Matthew Dunn on Facebook and Twitter.

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