FERGIE has thrown her years-long royal rift in the faces of those who banished her from the kingdom and bowled up late to her daughter Eugenie’s star-studded wedding at Windsor Castle to steal the show.
After such a tumultuous — and sometimes embarrassing — past, some may choose to hide in the shadows on such a public occasion. Plus, most mums make it their duty to ensure their child is not upstaged on their big day.
But rules are for losers and Fergie likes to mix it up.
She’s a risk of the most spectacular kind and Eugenie knew this. That’s why her sister Beatrice was slogged with such a weird role in the wedding.
Officially, she was maid of honour. Unofficially, she was Fergie’s babysitter. She had to forego all traditional maid of honour duties and instead follow her mum around to make sure she didn’t do anything she shouldn’t.
“Stop touching things,” were the stern words that echoed around St George’s Chapel at various points of the ceremony.
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Beatrice wasn't even allowed to travel with her sister on the way to the chapel. Instead, she had to arrive with mum to make sure she didn’t day-drink in the old-timey car on the way there.
The arrivals to royal weddings are co-ordinated down to the second. No one is allowed to be late. But royal rules don’t matter if the family already don’t like you, so Fergie decided to roll up seconds before the bride.
The message from Eugenie to Beatrice was simple: Don’t let mum run off. The palace even offered to buy one of those harnesses with a retractable leash that parents put on toddlers in shopping centres. Beatrice rejected the offer, feeling confident she could handle her adult toddler.
Seconds after tumbling out of the car, Fergie ran off.
Fergie was just elated to be involved and her excitement is understandable. She has been given the cold-shoulder by the royal family for years. Sure, she was captured on film having her toe sucked by a man who wasn’t her husband. Who hasn’t? And yes, she was secretly filmed again trying to sell private details about her ex husband to News Of The World. We’ve all got to make a living.
But the royal family aren’t as realistic with their expectations and they booted her out of the fold. They didn’t care that Prince Andrew still actually likes his ex wife and lets her live with him in an arrangement that’s very modern and hard to understand.
They didn’t invite her to Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton and they only gave her a crappy half-invite when Prince Harry tied the knot with Meghan in May. It was one of those “you can come to the boring church part but not the free alcohol part” invites. Those invites are a punishment and a slap to the face.
But this was one royal wedding Fergie couldn’t be shunned from. It was her daughter’s big day. Which means it was her big day. And she grabbed it with both hands.
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A lot of speculation whirled that Prince Philip might not attend the wedding because he hates Fergie. While some royal commentators pointed out he probably wouldn’t come because he’s basically dead, the reasoning that a 150-year-old man boycotting his grand daughter’s wedding because of a bitch fight he’s having with the mum is honestly more believable.
He wanted to prove a point and stay home but the Queen told him to stop being a peanut and to get in the carriage.
As Fergie trotted into the chapel, she felt the eyes of the world on her. So she did what any mother of the bride would do: she pulled funny faces.
Princess Eugenie’s big day was going to be stolen one way or another. If not by her mother, than by her many celebrity guests.
Technically there were more A-listers here than there were at Meghan and Harry’s, but they had Oprah and Oprah is the equivalent of 375 Ellie Gouldings.
Eugenie should just consider herself lucky George and Amal Clooney cancelled at the last minute.
At first when Eugenie and husband Jack Brooksbank — oh yeah, we haven’t mentioned him yet. She married some guy called Jack Brooksbank — received news of the no-show, they were miffed. And it makes sense. Everyone would feel like an idiot if they went around telling people George Clooney was coming to their wedding and then he piked.
The only reason George was invited is because he invented the tequila company Jack Brooksbank is an ambassador for.
George and Amal would have been deliberating for months about how to get out of it.
At the tequila distillery, Jack would’ve been reminding George of the wedding every time they passed each other.
“You’re still coming right?” he would’ve asked desperately.
George would’ve given a vague yet charming answer and then texted Amal about how they’re so not going.
But there was never a right time to cancel so he would’ve left it until the morning of.
“Amal has some human rights case thing. Came out of nowhere. Have an awesome day!!!” George’s text to Jack would’ve read.
Victoria Beckham was also meant to be there and we were excited to see her not smile again but then she just didn’t show up. She absolutely would not have bothered texting.
Anyway, as the morning chugged on, we were all silently encouraging Fergie to make more funny facial expressions because the ceremony was a total snooze.
There wasn’t even a rogue preacher like at Meghan and Harry’s. It got worse when Andrea Bocelli performed.
Out of all the talented performers in the crowd at this snooze-fest, Eugenie chooses the old Italian guy to get up on the mic?
It’s like when Tina Arena’s wheeled out to perform at every local event we have and we’re like, where’s Vanessa Amorosi?
We all looked at each other. Fergie started booing.
Former Neighbours star, ARIA nominee and all-round Australian sensation Holly Valance was in attendance and obviously she was the better choice to perform. The fact she wasn’t even considered for a duet with the Italian guy is just offensive.
Look, all brides feel the sting of regret about stylistic choices they made on their big day. Eugenie knows she made a huge mistake by not asking Holly to perform her hit and she’ll just have to live with it.
In an attempt to keep the day highbrow, Eugenie made sure lots of cultural references were incorporated into the ceremony. There was some fancy art. And a buttload of Great Gatsby references.
Beatrice was allowed to leave Fergie under the care of someone else for just a moment in order to give a reading which included an excerpt from the F Scott Fitzgerald classic. The excerpt was selected especially by Eugenie because Jack reminds her of the flamboyant and complicated title character.
“It was soon after she and Jack had first met that Princess Eugenie read The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald,” Princess Beatrice explained. “One particular passage in which Jay Gatsby is described reminded her immediately of Jack.”
In case you’ve never read the book, Gatsby can be summarised simply as a millionaire narcissist with no real friends who is eventually shot dead and found in a pool and then has a funeral that basically no one attends.
We wish Princess Eugenie and Jack the best.
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