James Weir: the hot new property trend that could save TV

NOW The Block is over and there are no more weird-shaped bathtubs to judge, viewers are switching off and ratings for once-popular shows are sliding — but there’s one trend that could transform the current slate of crappy programs being served up.

Network Ten released its 2019 program line-up this week and it reads like a who’s who of former Bachelor contestants. And that’s because it mostly is. Bachelor In Paradise is back along with The Bachelor and The Bachelorette — despite ratings for the latter sliding to a low this week of 512,000.

Even Seven’s revamped controversial series Bride & Prejudice failed to spark when it premiered on Monday and viewers quickly slipped to 525,000 in capital cities.

Networks need to move their focus away from over-tanned single people with too-white teeth. Instead, they need to look to Bill Gertos — the Sydney property developer who this week scored a home worth $1.7m for free, all because of squatter’s rights.

Gertos came across the abandoned Ashbury home two decades ago and after checking it was empty, changed the locks, renovated it and started renting it out. Despite not being the legal owner, he was awarded ownership after he claimed the property under “adverse possession” — the law which allows a person to be granted ownership of a property if they’ve openly occupied it for more than 12 years without permission of the actual owners.

The Daily Telegraph reports more than 230 successful squatter’s rights claims have been lodged since 2013, with 36 in the past year alone.

The figures say it all. This is the TV show we’ve been waiting for: Stealing Houses Australia. It brings together everything we love as a country: property, screwing people over and Shaynna Blaze.

Filmed over the 12 years it takes to be granted ownership, teams battle to find and secure the property with the highest value. Over the decade, they also have to gradually renovate the property in the dark of night to avoid being caught and then at the end of the 12 years Shaynna rolls up and criticises the bedspreads.

What The Block did for “flipping”, Stealing Houses Australia will do for squatting. And it’s terrific because now anyone can be a property mogul — you don’t even need to worry about having a loan approved by that judgy lady at the bank who asks how much a month you spend on takeaway. The squatters market doesn’t deal in dollars. You’ve just got to be rich with patience.

Instead of investing your money, you invest your time. Twelve years of it. It’s the “slow property movement”. While it sounds quite holistic and very Byron Bay (before Sydney mums in black Range Rovers and those Hemsworths descended on it), it’s more cut throat than the standard property market. You’ve got to be a true fat cat, waiting for hours until it’s the right moment to pounce and gut the mouse.

The possibilities this law provides makes it even more annoying to hear people complain about not being on the property ladder. Show some initiative. Have a bit of nous about you and go out and claim someone else’s home when they’re not there.

As someone who enjoys maximum gain for minimal effort as well as any opportunity to be sneaky, the property game has never been more exciting.

I’ve been driving my beat up Honda the suburbs looking for houses to steal. Top tip: don’t just go walking around random streets pointing to houses and exclaiming to nearby strangers, “Wow that one’s a dump!” or “I bet that one has ghosts”. It’s likely the people you’re saying that to are the owners and residents of the property and, from my recent experience, people get really offended when you say their house looks dilapidated and riddled with spirits.

Findings on my recent excursion also show you can’t just walk into the kitchen of some family’s home while they’re having dinner and say, “Mine now”.

These are all challenges that will make Stealing Houses Australia even more compelling.

Some might not agree with this method of home ownership. A few of you will be very judgmental of the process. But don’t judge too harshly. It looks like you’re reading this column in a rather nice house. It’d be a shame if a certain writer came and stole it from you.

WOULD YOU RATHER

An Evening With Charlie Sheen sounds more like a punishment or a dare than something you’d pay for.

Like when you’re talking to a small sweaty child and they say, “Would you rather …” and then they give you two really gross or inconvenient scenarios to choose from. Like, would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life? Or would you rather spend an evening with Charlie Sheen?

But it’s not a hypothetical dilemma. It’s the name of the speaking tour Charlie’s brought to our shores. If you’d like to hear him basically read aloud your uncle’s out of context Facebook rants, you can catch him in Sydney tonight.

I know I’d rather an evening watching ScoMo film more awkward social media videos where he tries to mansplain issues in an irritatingly approachable manner.

I’d also rather an evening on a hired party bus with frighteningly drunk first year male university students who keep mooning inanimate objects because they think they’re people.

I’d even rather an evening with the obnoxious hipster barista from my coffee shop — only there’s not just one of him but 100 — and then they all scroll through my iTunes library and judge it.

Even more punishing, I’d rather an evening in a really loud restaurant with my friend who talks annoyingly soft and they’re telling me something really important so I have to keep leaning over the table while yelling, “What?”

I’d rather an evening with literally anything else.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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