Only hours after having sex, one Married At First Sight couple has fallen apart because of a brutal response to an emotional revelation while another wife has rejected her husband over a horrendous pash.
“I don’t ever want him to touch me again,” one wife spits. It’s a bold thing to say. Dogs at Bondi have said the same thing about me to their owners and it’s honestly very hurtful.
On Thursday night we set off to stalk our first six couples on their budget honeymoons. Everyone’s unhappy and it’s no surprise — producers have organised for them all to get up at unreasonable hours like 7am and do extreme sports. Bungee jumping, fly fishing, off road biking. No one wants to do that.
For Jules, her adventure with Cameron in a kayak ends in tragedy.
They attempt to paddle *through* a waterfall. The kayak flips and Jules is trapped beneath the fibreglass vessel. The waterfall continues to gush down on top of it and a whirlpool current swirls beneath. We don’t know what happens to Jules because we suddenly cut to Ning being mean to Mark and then we forget to check back in on her welfare.
Ning is sent to Bangkok for her honeymoon with Mark because stereotypes are fun. She still hates Mark but, as they wade in the hotel swimming pool, something comes over her and she decides to really go for it.
As Mark bobs on the tiled floor in the shallow end of the pool, Ning stands up and takes control.
“Bring it in,” she demands. She tries to be super cool and sexy about it by jutting out her hip and shrugging. It's painful to watch. Mark doesn’t know what’s happening. Ning moves closer, hunches down and grabs Mark by the back of the head.
“Bring it in,” she says again, looking him dead in the eye.
Suddenly, there’s a lot of splashing and gargling. We look over in distress only to see Mark and Ning engage in the worst pash ever aired on this program. It’s so hideous we almost fall off our inflatable unicorn.
Even though they’ve shared the same experience, Ning and Mark feel very differently about what transpired.
“She IS attracted to me,” Mark beams to us.
But Mark is mistaken.
After the kiss, he exclaims “Yay!” and he is promptly scolded.
“Don’t do yays,” Ning spits.
Damp and annoyed, she tells it to us straight.
“I didn’t really enjoy the kiss very much,” she says.
Seconds after the moment of intimacy with Mark, Ning decides to make her feelings clear.
Paddling away on her back, she declares, “No more kissing, Mark!” — her words echoing across the water and down the skyscraper to the streets below.
She then kicks water in his face.
It’s an episode of contrasts tonight. While Mark is getting rejected in a rooftop pool, Dino has opened Melissa up to his spiritual ways. We find them in their Fijian cabin meditating.
But the peace is suddenly disrupted when talk turns to previous relationships. As we’re already aware, Melissa has not been touched in a decade. Dino’s dry spell hasn’t been that long.
“The last time I was in a relationship was February or March. I proposed to her,” he shrugs. It gets a little more peculiar. Dino’s ex-fiancee hated the crappy engagement ring — which he probably bought from a hippy craft market — and then he broke up with her because of it.
Melissa sees some red flags.
“I change my mind every second! I might buy something and then decide I don’t like it! Is that gonna be a problem!“ she shrieks, acting as if Myer just cancelled their 30 day return policy.
Up in the Whitsundays, Heidi’s still trying to be free-spirited and Mike’s still trying to be charming. Together, they’re exhausting.
They’re staying aboard a luxury private yacht and we immediately think of the first 15 minutes of Double Jeopardy.
Mike and Heidi love continually hinting that they’ve had sex but when we ignore their hints and deliberately veer away from the topic, they find a way to drop more innuendo and then smirk at us. We can’t escape it.
“Mike looks AMAZING and his body is RIDICULOUS but it’s more primal than that,” Heidi says, tweaking Mike’s nipples in front of us on the deck of the boat.
We hate people who use the word “primal” to describe their relationship because then we immediately think of them having sex in some kind of field.
But being primal comes with a catch. You can’t control you’re behaviour. And your urges can flip in a nanosecond from affectionate to nasty.
It all starts when Heidi starts telling a boring story about how she was forced to live in government housing. Mike just wants to go snorkelling but Heidi keeps crapping on about the hardships of her youth and it’s just killing his vibe.
“I think I was born quite strong,” Heidi muses.
“Uh huh,” Mike manages, surveying the water.
“I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor,” she continues.
“How hot is it today,” Mike responds, attempting to change the subject.
“ … When I look back at it, I see it as a blessing,” she barrels on.
But Mike’s had enough. He doesn’t care about Heidi’s troubled youth or how she managed to juggle both secondary education and a part time job at Target. He’s super insensitive about it and there’s no excuse, but maybe next time Heidi could jazz up the story with some funny voices and better pacing. She could tell people a talking cat lived in the government house. People like talking cats.
Just as Heidi’s about to recite a verse from I Am Woman, Mike interjects.
“Yeah, I get it,” he spits.
Heidi looks like someone’s just chopped her hair off in her sleep.
“Find the conclusion at some point,” Mike says. “ … You’re ranting at me. Look, I’m not ya therapist. This isn’t therapy. I can’t listen anymore.”
Heidi’s gobsmacked. For 12 hours she’s listened to Mark boast about his workouts and his business and his hostel days and how his baldness is not a condition but a choice.
“If we weren’t on an island, I would run. I don’t ever want him to touch me,” she sobs.
She feels rejected. Mike may as well have pulled a Ning and kicked water in her face.
Meanwhile, tension is brewing between farmer Mick and Jessika. Partly because they got the cheap honeymoon in Queensland and partly because Mick does that thing your dad does where he takes selfies at a really low angle.
Jessika is fuming. She specifically asked the experts for a guy with above average photography skills who preferably owns an iPhone X because she wants an Instagram Boyfriend like all those other girls.
For days, she’s been trying to get at least once decent photo of herself perched on a giant rock overlooking the ocean or a snap artfully taken from behind as she frolics into the frothy surf in a bikini at dusk. But Mick is failing. He only takes one photo instead of 30 rapid-fire ones for her to sift through and find the perfect one. Every time she goes to film a video to post on her Story, he stands still because he thinks she’s just taking a regular photo.
He doesn’t get it and she’s had enough. But so has Mick.
“My gut’s telling me she’s not genuine. She’s in it for the fame,” he confides in us.
“Are you really in this for love? Or are you on it for Instagram likes?” he asks her point-blank over dinner. “‘Cause you’re on Instagram all the time.”
She takes a deep breath and remains level headed.
“It’s just stchoopid! That was a stchoopid question!” she spits.
But we disagree. These are tricky times we’re living in and you can never be sure whether someone actually wants to hang out with you or if they’re just doing it for the ‘Gram.
Jessika’s so hurt she storms off and immediately unfollows Mick from Instagram.
The sun sets in the Whitsundays on Mike and Heidi’s honeymoon. On the horizon, azure water laps at a sky of fire and purple clouds melt. Mike waits on the deck of the boat for Heidi to join him at the dinner table.
“Hopefully I can just apologise and be done,” he rolls his eyes.
Forty minutes pass. The tea lights burn out and the ocean fades to black.
“Mike?” asks a meek faceless voice.
“What?” Mike looks up.
There’s a pause.
“She’s not coming.”
We’re on a boat in the middle of the ocean. She actually can’t go anywhere else, but we’re not here to point out logic.
Heidi has decided to reject Mike just like he rejected her and her government housing story. She wants him to feel the same humiliation she felt just hours earlier. She wants revenge and she has got it.
Just like Ashley Judd.
For more observations on talking cats and inflatable unicorns, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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