Married At First Sight’s adult virgin has been hospitalised after experiencing a severe panic attack while attempting intercourse on Monday night — but managed to return from the brink to finally conquer his fear on television screens around Australia.
Hand on heart, there isn’t a hint of facetiousness or exaggeration in the above sentence — just basic facts and accurate recall of how the spectacular sequence of events unfolded.
It’s a triumph for Matthew and a win for his new wife Lauren. We wonder what his mum Rhonda thinks. She's probably thrilled.
Lauren knew the instant Matthew shared his secret a whole 48 hours ago that she had been chosen. A mighty responsibility was placed on her shoulders. Some may have ran. They couldn’t have handled the pressure. But Lauren is different. She nodded and smiled — and accepted the challenge laid before her: She was going to take Matthew’s virginity. But first, she would have to overcome many obstacles. Like Matthew’s fear of jacuzzis.
“I’m a little anxious about the spa bath,” he says about the tub in their honeymoon suite. It’s an odd thing to be scared of, but it’s what the spa represents. “That’ll absolutely be the first time I’ve done something like that with a woman,” he continues about the spa. “The thought of the spa bath cripples me with fear. What could happen? And what could go wrong? It might get really intimate and lead to sex and I’m just quite intimidated by that.”
Lauren wants to see this through. She tries her best to drop hints but he doesn’t pick them up.
“Oh wow, look at all the space,” she says as they enter the bedroom.
“There’s been a couple of times I’ve tried to give him a sign and he … hasn’t read the sign?” she explains. “I don’t know if he just, doesn’t get it. Or if he’s maybe … not that into me?”
Her voice trembles at the thought. Being rejected by an adult virgin would hurt even more than Brittany Murphy calling you a virgin who can’t drive.
As night falls on day one of their honeymoon, a question mark hovers above the turned-down bed. Lauren’s expecting something to happen. And Matthew’s pressuring himself. It all becomes too much. Suddenly, his body doubles over and he complains of stomach pain. Matthew tucks himself into bed for the evening — after establishing a firm pillow wall down the centre.
On an island far away, Ines is also working hard to improve her relationship with Bronson.
Lizzie should also be on her luxury honeymoon but is instead roaming the streets of Sydney alone eating biscuits out of her handbag because her husband fled the country.
Back at some random winery in South Australia, it’s day two and Lauren is trying to help Matthew overcome his fear of spa baths. Well, also his fear of sex, but it’s all about baby steps.
“Check out the bubbles,” Matthew gushes.
“I’m so keen … to get in,” Lauren whispers.
Once submerged, the experience is terrible. Matthew proceeds to ignore the fact he’s laying in a spa with a lovely girl and he keeps his eyes closed the whole time. But it gets worse.
After the awkward spa, they retire to the bedroom and attempt to progress again. It ends in disaster.
“I’m starting to shake and get chills again,” Matthew stutters. The prospect of sex has rattled him and ignited a severe breakdown. Clutching his stomach, he drops to his knees. He crawls across the room and bends his body over the edge of the bed.
Lauren is now more sexually frustrated than ever and has some thoughts on what’s going down.
Matthew makes her order a maxi taxi stat to take him to the emergency department.
He’s admitted immediately and the nurses rush him through. Lauren is made to wait outside because, you know, their marriage is a sham. She will spend six hours in this carpark while her husband undergoes monitoring well into the early hours.
We watch her heart break as she delivers a really disappointed piece-to-camera in the parking lot.
“We were looking forward to dinner tonight and … other things,” she sniffs.
Meanwhile, Ines and Bronson are also overcoming issues.
We find them on a boat, mid-conversation.
“Shut the f*ck up!” Ines is saying.
Her mild hostility tips Bronson over the edge. His new wife has done nothing but belittle him and talk down to him and verbally abuse him in front of island cruise operators.
He speaks up and tells his wife something no other person has been brave enough to say.
“I gotta say it,” he says, head in hands. “As a human, you are a horrible, horrible, person.”
Just as he’s about to repeat the word “horrible” again, Ines interrupts to say, well, something horrible.
“SHUT! THE F*CK! UP!” she spits as the chartered fishing boat skims over the crystal blue waters of Port Douglas. “I don’t give a f*ck! Get me off the boat. Shut the f*ck up! When I say don’t speak, shut the f*ck up!”
She then goes all Titanic and pulls an, “If you jump, I jump, Jack”. Only, it’s more, “If you don’t jump, I will”.
“I WILL JUMP OFF THE F*CKING SHIP,” she screams.
Bronson is super sensitive and he’s probably about to cry. He threatens to leave.
The threat has no impact on Ines.
The sun sets over the South Australian countryside. It’s the final night of the honeymoon, and Lauren has not accomplished the mission the universe set her.
She tries flirting again over dinner. Final hints are dropped. Matthew doesn’t engage. Instead, he tells a very sad story about his childhood and someone dying.
Tears streams down Lauren’s face. She cries for the dead person and she cries for Matthew’s innocence. And she cries because she’s majorly sexually frustrated.
But tears are a sign. Water symbolises rebirth, cleansing, new life. It can wash away 29 years of pain and allow a new start.
Matthew and Lauren retire to the villa for one final night together.
They kick us out of the room and we’re made to wait in the vineyard all night but the idiots don’t realise their mics are still hot. From the field, as we film the exterior of the cabin, we hear noises.
The following lines have not been embelished or editorialised.
Matthew: Mmmuuuuuurrrgh
Lauren: Oh, that feels good.
Day breaks at the vineyard. We remain in the field outside the cabin, partly because we died of mortification from what we heard and our bodies have not yet been buried.
We decide to go rough and ready and bust into the cabin with nothing but a handycam — to hell with what we’ll find. The soft morning sunlight flickers through the windows and Matthew and Lauren are entwined on the bed — still tangled in their rank sex sheets. It’s beautiful.
“We have … taken things to the … next level,” Lauren tells us, her matted hair giving away the news.
Matthew politely takes us outside to confirm our suspicions in a very formal manner.
“Last night I … lost my virginity,” he exhales. “It was just a … beautiful moment. It was … probably, more than I expected it to be. It was … Amazing. I think it was worth the 29 year wait. Me touching Loz, Loz touching me.”
Wow. We won’t be touching anyone for a while after hearing that description, but we’re thrilled.
For now, we’re just satisfied with our handbag biscuits.
For more observations on handbag biscuits and being a horrible, horrible person, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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