Married At First Sight’s former adult virgin has narrowly dodged another visit to the ER after his wife dropped a revelation about her past that scandalised him to his pure core.
Lauren has been so good about Matthew being an adult virgin. Apologies, former adult virgin. But she’s getting frustrated with his innocence. So she decides to let him in on her past. She’s hoping it will enhance their intimacy and give her relationship the kick it desperately needs. His reaction ruins everything.
Every night on this show, a new revelation surfaces. The most shocking moment is not the adult virgin being hospitalised or the C-word being hurled around. It’s not even Lizzie’s pizza-toast.
The most shocking moment of the entire series is these thongs on a coathanger. The attempt at tidying-up and displaying something quintessentially bogan is kind of a metaphor for this entire show.
Jessika’s still upset she was called fake the other night and it’s just getting ridiculous. Lady, get real — you’ve had so much work done you’re barely recognisable anymore!
After being labelled a nasty cantaloupe at last night’s commitment ceremony, Ines has had to overhaul her look and go incognito. She couldn’t even walk down the street this morning without people yelling out from passing cars, “Hey ya big cantaloupe!”
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Ines gets called a cantaloupe
She’s darkened her hair and bought a leather motorcycle jacket. To really throw people off, she’s even smiling. It’s like a completely different person.
Ines and Bronson roll up to John Aiken’s office for their mandatory therapy session and, in the space of 12 hours, Ines has really changed her attitude. She’s just super positive and ready for change.
“My life sucks right now,” she tells us.
Everyone’s interpretation about what transpired last night on the couch is different. Avoiding a battle, Bronson takes responsibility for his part.
“I felt disgusting,” he admits. “I could’ve used a lot better words to describe how I was feeling or how I thought she’d been treating me. I could’ve used a lot better vocabulary. And I’m sorry I used that language.”
And now Bronson expects Ines to own up to her behaviour. She stares at the ground. Anything to say, Ines?
“I felt highly attacked,” she sniffs.
Yes, but, is there anything you want to apologise for?
“No,” she shrugs after a long pause.
So there wasn’t anything you did? Anything you regret?
She stares blankly.
“I don’t regret anything,” she eventually whispers.
Bronson has to use all his willpower to not call her a cantaloupe again.
Ines says what she needs to in order to get John Aiken off her back. She eventually just mumbles some crap about being committed to Bronson and the experiment and then she makes a break for it.
But it’s all a lie. She’s not committed to Bronson. There are bigger plans in the works.
“I have been thinking about another husband and if he is DTF,” she tells us while making a cup of tea.
MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT: Read all the James Weir recaps here
She lays down on the couch and embarks on some old fashioned online thirsting. Successfully locating Sam’s Instagram, she scrolls through digital reams of shirtless selfies.
“He is so hot. It’s crazy. Like, he is stunning,” she smiles to us while looking at Sam’s slicked-up body.
And then she does it. She slides right into his DMs.
“Hello,” she types, adding that emoji of the chicken hatching out of the egg. It’s a bizarrely cute and innocent emoji for Ines to use. But it only enhances her unhinged ways.
In an apartment down the hall, Sam’s phone vibrates. He looks at the message. And then he looks up at Lizzie.
“She wants to meet up in the sauna,” Sam tells us before reading out one of the messages. “‘Come over bubba’. I’m her bubba, apparently.”
Ew. We’d rather touch Lizzie’s carpet shirt.
Upstairs, Lauren and Matthew are getting just as adventurous.
“What’s your favourite colour?” Matt sheepishly asks.
He ventures further. “What’s your favourite meal?”
Lauren is getting frustrated. She has been so patient with Matthew. His innocence was endearing for a week. But now she really just wants some action.
When Matthew asks his next innocent question, Lauren decides to drop a bombshell that will shake him to his pure core.
“What’s something about you no one else would know?” he giggles, thinking his wife will reveal what her favourite Disney movie is.
Lauren doesn’t even think about her answer.
“I used to be a lesbian,” she says.
“You don’t know the half of me yet,” she tells her husband.
Matthew’s stunned. He misses the simple days — where sex was for old people and talking about your favourite colour was more than enough. The days where voraciously reading next to each other felt so good.
“I don’t know what to ask now. I really don’t,” he stutters to us. “I find asking questions really awkward. So for me the obvious solution was say nothing.”
Lauren’s confession hangs in the air and Matthew doesn’t acknowledge it. Mainly because he doesn’t know how. It infuriates her. She was so supportive when he admitted he was a virgin and she has been so understanding with his intimacy issues. And now he’s not giving her anything.
“It shocked Matt. He went silent and won’t talk. He just shuts down,” she tells us. “I’m not impressed to be honest. That stuff should just flow. It should just come naturally. He should have a thousand things to ask me.”
Lizzie has been feeling guilty about calling out Ines at last night’s commitment ceremony. It’s been rolling around in her head and she wants to make good — even though Ines has not given Lizzie a second thought and would actually be more touched if Lizzie made an effort to stay far away from her.
We see Lizzie wondering the hallway with yet another family block of chocolate.
Elizabeth bursts into Ines’s apartment and plonks down on the couch, handing over the really big block of Dairy Milk as a peace offering.
Ines is just delighted to have Lizzie in her personal space.
“I can’t take Elizabeth seriously because she looks like The Joker and Big Bird had a baby,” she spits to us.
Lizzie is so scattered and intense that it hinders her ability to read social situations.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, staring into Ines’ eyes.
“It’s OK,” Ines snaps.
“No. It’s not. I’m sorry.”
“Please leave.”
“Nope. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
In a bid to get Lizzie out of her apartment, Ines tells her there’s a Napoleon Perdis down the road that’s having a closing down sale. Lizzie’s out of there in a flash.
“I’ll eat the chocolate, while I think about her husband,” Ines grins to us, clutching the chocolate to her chest.
It’s a purely psychotic moment. And I can’t wait to recreate it and do an impersonation every time I eat a family block of Cadbury.
For more observations about thong coathangers and Cadbury family blocks, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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