After callously announcing to everyone that he’s not attracted to his wife, Married At First Sight’s former adult virgin is cut down by the woman herself with a single, no-nonsense question.
Lauren has had enough. She has tiptoed around Matthew and his sensitivities for too long. And on Wednesday night when he throws it in her face, she give it to him straight.
“It’s a sad night,” John Aiken whimpers in the aftermath of the night. Oh, John. Every night here’s a sad night.
Lauren’s basically broken up with a virgin. What a grim way to go down. Cupcakes are also ruined forever. Good god are they ruined.
We all roll up to the pre-drinks at the random warehouse and, within seconds, everyone’s talking about how Lauren loves a threesome and she’s not even in the room. Then when she arrives, Matt moans to anyone who will listen that Lauren, you know, likes sex. He keeps pausing for horrified reactions but everyone is basically like, “ … And …?”
Ugh, how punishing to be in a relationship with someone who likes sex.
Sam and Lizzie ditch tonight and we don’t bother calling them to check on their welfare. But then halfway through the dinner, Sam runs in and he’s all out of breath.
“I have chickenpox!” he declares to the room. Seriously, first he fakes a funeral and now he fakes a viral disease.
“Look!” he says, parting his hair over Lauren’s salad to show us the festering lesions. It’s probably not safe for him to be in a confined space with a bunch of people, but this whole show is basically people doing unsafe things they shouldn’t.
Sam then utters the sexiest thing we’ve heard on this series.
“My body is just riddled with sh*t,” he growls. Ugh, I want a man to talk to me like that.
When we ask about Lizzie, he shrugs and says, “Who?”
He and Ines scheduled a mid-dinner hook-up tonight and he isn’t about to let chickenpox hinder the romance.
It only makes Ines want him more.
“I’ll take my chances,” she says of the contagious sores.
Meanwhile, Married At First Sight’s third most boring couple, Nic and Cyrell, are having another nonsense fight.
“I am a confident woman! I don’t get jealous of no bitches! And don’t think for one second I am a jealous bitch!” Cyrell screams, jealously.
Mike, the world’s most obnoxious middle-aged bro, is all about men supporting men. It’s a really refreshing movement.
“There’s gotta be 100,0000 women in this country who’d be absolutely thrilled to be sitting here right now next to you,” he tells his boy Sam.
Yeah, step right up all you 100,000 ladies. I hope you like fake funerals and sexy nights in mutually applying calamine lotion to all-over body lesions.
Ines and Sam’s affair inches forward ever slowly and it remains super boring. And, yeah, we all reckon it’s fake which just makes it annoying to even talk about.
The only thing we feel strongly about when it comes to this storyline is that Sam and Ines have ruined cupcakes for us. The spectacular baked good is their codeword at the table and they drop it when it’s time to sneak away together.
“You want a cupcake?” Ines replies.
“I NEED a cupcake,” he groans back.
“Why a cupcake?”
“I just crave it. Don’t you crave them?”
They run away to a room together and Ines can feel us judging them but she says the same thing I say to my boss when she calls and asks where I am.
It starts the way all classic romances begin. By insulting their actual partners.
“Sometimes when he speaks to me I’m just like, ‘Can you shut the f**k up?’ You know when you’re trying to be nice but deep down you wanna punch them between the eyes?” Ines muses about Bronson.
This scene is just copying the Dean and Davina situation from last year and it unfolds the same way: inside a secret room at the dinner party, sitting close to each other, hand holding, thigh touching, partner dissing.
She calls him “babe” and runs her hands through his hair. Then it gets dirty. She asks to see his big pink pock.
He pulls his shirt apart to reveal the irritated sores. It drives her wild.
“You look really cute,” she says before grabbing his head and pulling it forward. She kisses the pock on his forehead.
“Oh that was really cute. You just kissed it better. That was really nice. You make me melt inside,” Sam gushes.
They make a plan. Ines decides to stay at this Sunday’s commitment ceremony, just so she can have an extra week two-timing with Sam.
Matthew’s threesome revelation PTSD is in full swing and he’s rocking back and forth in silence at the dinner table. He’s in shock about the whole shebang — the lesbians, the threesomes, the sex swing. Lauren has never mentioned a sex swing but Matthew just assumes that’s the next confession that will slap him in the face.
When we first met him, we felt some sympathy because he’s so socially awkward. But now he’s just annoying. He’s basically decided that he’s no longer attracted to Lauren because she used to like chicks and is into some hot sex stuff. He needs to grow up.
He also needs to stop going and revealing Lauren’s private life to other people without her permission. Oh, and he should probably not humiliate her by announcing to an entire dinner table that he’s not attracted to her.
“What happens if the reason I’m not able to show the affection and attention she wants is because I’m just not attracted to her and I’m just not feeling those urges?” he tells all the boys at the table while Lauren is basically right next to him within earshot.
“It shouldn’t be an effort, it should just come. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost, because I’m trying to force something that just isn’t there. Like, I have no urge just to rip her clothes off and throw her on the bed. There’s just nothing there.”
Lauren hears every word because, well, she’s next to him.
“What the f**k? Bulls**t,” she whispers.
To quote Married At First Sight’s eternally-scorned legend Tracey Jewel, Lauren has been completely “blime-fibe-eb”.
“Everything’s fake,” Lauren tells the girls, clearly in shock.
She’s so winded by what Matthew said she starts doubting it. Surely he couldn’t have just openly insulted her like that in front of everyone, while she was right there.
Lauren pulls Matthew away. She wants to confront him in private and it’s completely understandable. We immediately follow.
“Did I hear correctly? That you’re not attracted to me?” she asks, cutting straight to the point.
Emotionless, he stares, then takes a long, hard blink.
“You want someone who wants to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed and you deserve that and I just don’t get the urge for it. I’m not feeling the physical pull,” he tells her.
That’s no excuse and Lauren’s not accepting it. She has been accepting and supportive of Matthew and his issues from the beginning. Not once has she passed judgment. She’s had enough. She’s sick of feeling like she has to afford him some kind of kindness and sympathy just because he was an adult virgin — always tiptoeing around his needs and sensitivities. She throws a big question at him.
“I just feel a bit used, Matt. Did you just use me to lose your virginity?” she asks.
There’s silence. He stares at her blankly. And then he blinks.
“No, not at all,” he replies.
Lauren isn’t asking Matt for threesomes. She’s just wants someone to want her. Great, now that Cheap Trick song is in my head.
Lauren turns and walks away. They sit back down at the dining table in silence.
It’s depressing. We need Lizzie and her junk food platters more than ever right now. We’d even settle for Ines’ cupcake.
For more observations on threesome PTSD and big, pink pocks, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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