Meghan Markle, Kate Middleton: Royals really suck at Valentine’s Day - NEWS.com.au

There are many, many things the royal family excels at, such as waving from balconies, squirrelling away diamonds, and pretending to enjoy meeting Britain’s Got Talent ‘stars’ during ghastly showbiz receptions.

Not on that list: enjoying Valentine’s Day.

It is The Most Romantic Day Of The Year this week, and much has been made of Harry and Meghan spending their first February 14 as husband and wife thousands of kilometres apart.

He will be in the Arctic Circle in Norway as part of his duties as Captain General of the Royal Marines (a gig he inherited after his grandfather Prince Philip niftily ditched it a couple of years ago).

Meghan, well, we don’t know where exactly she might be — Kensington Palace might spring a last-minute royal outing on us. Or she might be at home, working on her yoga studio Pinterest board and learning to like Earl Grey tea to impress the Queen.

Either way, it’s far from a candlelit dinner in some gilt-laden corner of a palace or dinner at one of London’s swankier Michelin-star establishments.

Still, she can take some (cold) comfort in this sort of Valentine’s Day, spent apart and toiling in some dull way, being par for the royal course. Because if you consult the history books (read: spend an entire evening trawling Getty while you get stuck into the pinot grigio), you will see the Windsors have a propensity to quite frankly suck at celebrating this particular day all about love.

1979: The Queen might have gotten flowers, but they weren’t from Phil during this work trip to Bahrain.

1987: Sure, there’s champagne but that’s where the romance ends for Charles and Di during a trip to Toulouse.

1990: How’s this for irony? Diana had to present the “Family of the Year” award on Valentine’s Day. If that is not the face of a woman who deeply regrets the bloke she chose, then I’ll eat my Ascot-approved fascinator.

1991: Bless Fergie and her plucky attitude to having to put up with a school trip to Derby rather than lolling around in bed with Andrew and some Buck’s Fizz.

1992: There is nothing that makes a Princess feel sexier and more in the mood than being reminded about life’s fragility and the extreme poverty and deprivation much of the world faces.

2004: Zara Tindall gets to do her bit for charity and spend the day wedged on the back of a horse. (Though to be fair, given how pony-mad the Windsors are, maybe this is her idea of a dream outing?)

2005: Here’s Prince Charles pretending not to notice he is wearing thousands of dollars worth of cashmere and handmade shoes to stand in the middle of a what I’m assuming is a pig farm.

He followed that wonderful (COUGH) jaunt with doing his best impression of someone really interested in cheese production.

2007: Nothing says “love” like a women-in-business event at your mother-in-law’s house and a big glass of tap water.

2008: One is having such tremendous fun handing out school prizes. (“I wonder if the corgis got the card I sent them?” the Queen is no doubt thinking.)

2012: Admirable? Absolutely. Deeply romantic? Nope. Kate spent her V Day cheering up sick kids …

And then drinking a smoothie at an alcohol-free bar.

2014: So Kate could have spent 24 hours toasting her fairytale love affair with the future King OR she could spend it hanging out with spotty teenage boys. Lucky her.

To be fair, she did get a bouquet and that always cheers a girl up.

2017: ANOTHER Valentine’s Day outing to spend time with awkward teens? (Someone doesn’t like Kate in the Kensington Palace planning office, me thinks.)

2018: Do you know we are all going to die in a fiery ball of destruction because we have f**ked up the Earth? I bet Prince Charles and Harry are thinking how much this outing to a global warming conference beats his’n’hers couple massages with complimentary mimosas.

However, occasionally, those Windsors get it right.

This Valentine’s Day find someone who looks at you the way Prince Phillip does at the Queen when they get to hang out a deux on Valentine’s Day.

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