Bachelor Australia Recap 2019 Episode 5: The Dog C*nt Drama - Pedestrian TV

Guys, it’s time. The Bachelor Australia is finally delivering what it has been promises for what feels like decades: THE DRAMATIC WALKOUT EPISODE. And I have to say, the wait was worth it.

My colleague Mel is finally back so I don’t have to do another weird solo recap, which is great because this episode was packed full of spice — and it’s all because current frontrunner Abbie tells Bachie Matt the ~terrible secret~ that is eating her alive: that Monique allegedly called him a “dog cunt” and a “disrespectful pig” after he pashed Abbie at the cocktail party. It’s all very dramatic, so let’s get right into it.

MEL: I just need to start by saying – dog cunt. Do you know how many times I’m going to write dog cunt in this recap? 4,530 times.

JOSIE: And even then, that’s only half as many times as dog cunt was said in the episode. Just really driving the point home, Channel Ten. I loved it. But rewinding to the start, shall we? We once again had the girls acting like boomers on the Price Is Right as they screamed the house down over their exciting trip to… the Central Coast.

Bachelor Recap — *literally no one has ever been this excited about The Entrance*

MEL: I can’t with their extreme excitement over every. Little. Thing. You’ve been given no information, ladies! For all they knew they could’ve been going for a no-frills camping trip to Belanglo State Forest.

JOSIE: Instead they piled into their red Hyundais and headed up to the delightful Kooindah Waters Resort and Golf Club, The Entrance’s finest establishment.

MEL: Piled into the Hyundais like a very garish and conspicuous version of the Presidential motorcade.

MEL: So Kooindah Waters was like, fine but played barely any role in the events that rolled out this episode. They may as well have just stayed at the mansion, tbh. First up – Abbie cops a single date, which I have to say was a bit rich considering she just drank Matt’s spit for an hour last episode.

JOSIE: And then she moves onto drinking her own foot juice on their weird DIY grape crushing cocktail date? Which for some reason Matt found endearing, god knows why.

*mmm tastes like cheap pleather sandals*

JOSIE: Once they’d flirted and had cocktails and exchanged roses and more spit, they moved into the small pointless plunge pool where Abbie was simply tormented over the big secret she was hiding from Matt. Side note she could not look less tormented. The only word to describe this girl’s face would be “gleeful”.

*can’t you see how sick i am over this whole thing*

MEL: I must say – just never drink anything you produced with your feet, I think that should be a general life rule. But yes, the more important element was her looking like the wicked witch after she handed Snow White that poison apple, except the apple was “dog cunt”.

JOSIE: Her shit-eating grin as she told him: “God this is so hard to say… Monique called you a dog cunt.” Honestly I can’t believe she didn’t start cackling halfway through that sentence. Of course Matt, being the sweet (yet slightly horny) angel that he is, was very upset about it and the next morning had to drink tea pensively with no shirt on while looking out the window, as if the answer to the age old question “Am I a dog cunt?” was waiting somewhere outside his $164/night Superior King Room with Golf View at the Kooindah Waters Resort.

*if you prick a dog cunt, do we not bleed?*

MEL: The shirtless pondering over dog cunt was magnificent. Just a beautiful moment in Bachelor Australia history. He was really thrown by the whole thing, because he was very quiet during the next date – a group date, where the ladies had to answer weird questions like “what would you rather, mental stimulation or physical chemistry?” Cue everyone screaming over the top of each other and absolutely no one listening to a single word anyone else said.

JOSIE: Chelsie played that well, didn’t she? While everyone else was screaming like a banshee she was very quiet and thoughtful so of course Matt wanted to hang out with her afterwards alone. A no brainer. But then on their one-on-one time the poor bloke couldn’t put his tongue anywhere near hers for fear of Monique jumping out of the bushes and chanting “dog cunt, dog cunt” at him. So an awkward peck was all sweet nerdy Chelsie got.

*well this is very un-dog cunt like of you*

MEL: I also want to call mild bullshit on Chelsie’s personality. When Matt said to-camera later “it felt like she had read from the book of Matt” or whatever he was banging on about, I was like “hmmmmm red flag”. You simply do not tick EVERY box of likes/dislikes. She’s the chemical engineer version of Brooke‘s “footy footy footy yiewwww” vibes from Honey Badger‘s season, you know? Like “oooh I’m so NERDY and I read TEXT BOOKS in my spare time lel”. Absolutely no you do not, just be real and admit in your spare time you google your horoscope, or deep dive Timothee Chalamet on E! News.

JOSIE: Speaking of hot Hollywood actors can we talk about how Helena‘s example of a “hot man” was Ryan fucken Gosling? The most painfully stale, 2014 reference possible. Speaking of Helena she also copped a solo date which was absolutely horrific. I almost vomited watching it.

MEL: I have not thought about Ryan Gosling for a strong 3 years, I would say. What is he even doing now? But yes the date was HELL. I like oysters. But I like to eat them with fresh lemon and salt, not use pincers to inject their uteruses with tiny pearl eggs, or whatever the fuck that was. Just don’t! Why are we doing this! Why does anyone do this! They even called it oyster IVF, which just made me want to break the TV screen forever.

JOSIE: Then they went and ATE OYSTERS. Like how could you ever look at an oyster in the face ever again? Also to add insult to injury Matt gave Helena the IVF pearls to wear, which will be lovely when she’s in her early 50s but not for right now.

MEL: The IVF pearls were like, what I’d buy my nan for Christmas. No thanks. So their date is awkward bc Matt simply can’t kiss her. His mind is just “dogcuntdogcuntDOGCUNTDOGCUNT”.

JOSIE: Poor Matt. Poor Helena. It just didn’t end on a nice note. I felt bad for her, she’d be blaming herself without knowing the backstory. Anyway, suddenly we are back at the mansion after that entirely pointless sojourn to the sunny Central Coast and it’s like immediate DRAMA at the cocktail party. Matt is simply too torn up about dog cunt to function.

MEL: So first he pulls Abbie aside which seemed like a weird choice – it’s Monique who allegedly said the phrase, why re-hash with Abbie? But then he gets Monique and her face is like:

JOSIE: And I feel like when he took her aside Abbie was all like “OMG he loves me he wants to make out again” and meanwhile he’s instead crying over the dog cunt saga. So then Monique of course denies saying these words, so Matt brings Abbie back for a face-to-face showdown. God it was glorious wasn’t it? A lot of “Babe, you said it.”

MEL: Oh my god, when Abbie sat down next to Monique on the couch, and Monique goes “So babe…” it was so beautifully patronising and savage. Saying “babe” or “hun” in this kind of context – ultimate smack down.

JOSIE: Monique continued to deny it so then my favourite bit of the episode happened: Matt working his way through the party doing a survey of who heard what. Just incredibly high school areas.

MEL: Literally the school grounds at lunchtime after Sarah heard from Phoebe that Lauren kissed Charlie who was meant to be dating Tara, except make it Bachelor Australia. God, I loved that. But it was pretty clear that, in fact, Monique HAD said dog cunt – although the context was murky.

JOSIE: Yes. So as we learned earlier this week, she MIGHT have been imitating our lord and saviour Trent from Punchy. But as Sogand said, Monique and Rachael (who was part of the convo in question) just… talk like that. So they probably didn’t mean anything by it? I mean, I’m from Newcastle where you literally say “Hey cunt!” as an affectionate greeting to, like, your mum. So I was kinda empathising with Monique on this one. It’s not like important information that Matt simply had to know?

MEL: Also, and I think Sogand said this too – they were having a private convo that Abbie overheard, and it’s like well what WAS the context? And did Matt really need to know? As you said while we watched, if Abbie found out Monique secretly had a boyfriend then fine, fair enough. tell Matt. But being all ‘I HAD to tell you…” seemed more shady on Abbie’s side than Monique’s.

JOSIE: It was definitely shady and definitely strategic to throw Monique under the bus like that. As one of them (Vakoo, I think) said quite diplomatically, Monique probably shouldn’t have said it but Abbie didn’t need to tell him, either. It just created so much drama. Which was very fun to watch but I imagine not very fun for poor Matt. Anyway, Monique found herself in the bottom two after all that.

MEL: I was so expecting him to ship her off home, but then he threw us a curve ball and decided to give her a second chance.

JOSIE: Getting rid of poor innocent Julia was a biiiit of a dog cunt move, I gotta tell you.

MEL: Getting rid of Julia was, I would bet my favourite pillow on this, a producer move and not a Matt move at all. To which I say god bless you, producers, because now we have a group date involving Abbie AND Mon battling it out together. Fuck yes. This is the drama I come here for.

Love Josie and Mel? Then you simply must listen to their hit true crime / mystery podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour, right bloody now! Find it HERE.

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