The Bachelor Pre-Finale Power Ranking: Honey Badger Broke Brooke

Brooke, you were too good for this world.

I mean, all of this really burns me up! It really does! What is he doing. What are any of us doing! Why are we indulging in this lunacy when it is truly, without any doubt total and utter lunacy?

I can’t believe Honey Badger let Brooke go, I really can’t.

You know what it feels like? This kind of disappointment? It feels like sleeping in your bed – minding your own business, maybe your bed is invisible even, it doesn’t matter – when suddenly winged devils are literally pulling your soul from your body through your sleeping mouth, that is how bad we should all feel about this.

Yes okay, THIS, this is how I feel.

Whatever. The show goes on (for one more night) and so must we (for infinity, I don’t know). In Australia you can only have one wife and not three – not at once anyway, no judgement, I don’t care about your family history – and so Honey Badger must whittle The Female Contestants down to one woman.

He says that they all have something “uniquely beautiful” about them (they all have different faces, you see) and he is dreading having to make the decision. He illustrates this deep melancholy by running shirtless through a forest as penance, as if he is being chased by Soviets in a 1980s action movie.

“Might have a bit of a run.”

“Might run to that tree over there.”

“OH BLOODY HELL WATCH OUT, HERE’S A ROCK!”

“Oh phew, made it over that rock.”

“OH, IT’S ANOTHER ROCK, ANOTHER ONE.”

“Oh yup, jumped over it.”

There is no justice in an unjust world, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!

Britt (between 9 and 180 points)

You bet your arse that Britt is still here. Your very arse!

“I shan’t leave.”

Britt stares at a body of water from a cliff, wondering if her husband will ever return from war, just kidding, she’s wondering if there will be any repercussions for asking Honey Badger if he had had sex with Cass.

There won’t be! Honey Badger admires that Britt is the kind of girl who likes “having a blast and travelling the world” which is exactly the kind of line I would use if I was trying to catfish someone, thanks Britt!

I’ve already forgotten that she asked her friend if she had ever fucked their shared boyfriend, I actually CANNOT remember, it’s weird.

Honey Badger arrives in an “old school” ice-cream drunk featuring branding from a contemporary ice-cream business where you can buy approximately one scoop of artisanal sorbet for the low price of $11.

“Want to sample what I have to offer?” says Honey Badger, suggestively. “I’ve been sampling this whole time!” says Britt, a statement that is both sexy and confusing. Honey Badger says that she had to pay for the ice-cream in smooches, yeuchhhh. He also tells Britt that she reminds him of “old Hollywood” back when men were men and women were women and the commies were thrown in jail, I hear ya Badg!!!!

“Not that you’re old!” he says. She laughs politely.

Honey Badger makes Britt climb a lighthouse in high heels. “Not many people get to do this,” she says in appreciation. They get to the top and instead of looking out at the water, they make out. A thousand ships crash, many seamen are lost.

“Don’t tell him you were in the Socialist Alternative in uni.”

“But I don’t understand, there were two lookouts up there – how come they didn’t spot the massive naval collision?”

“A classic death by smooches.”

When that is done, they go somewhere else. “Drink it all in, it’s all for us,” Honey Badger says of the same basic couch situation of the last eight weeks.

“Drink it in, Britt.”

“There are pillows on the couch, just the way you like it.”

A “private string trio” appear and play them string music. The producers tell Honey Badger he has to dance, so he lumbers up and Britt follows. They pace around each other in a circle like they’re trying to move out of each other’s way, but can’t because they’re holding onto each other’s arms.

The band leaves and Britt takes the opportunity to ask again whether the Honey Badger and Cass (ex-contestant) engaged in coitus. “I didn’t know you two were together,” lies Britt, to great affect. Honey Badger says that this is an “exaggeration” as he and Cass were strangers who simply went on a few dates which comprised of “catching up”.

“You see Britt, we were just two attractive friends from the gym who were catching up, looking at each other’s bodies and catching up.”

“That sounds like sex to me Honey Badger, also my sister read it on The Daily Mail already.”

“But to make it up to me, you can let me know that you like me better than the other girls, okay it is settled, I have won, I am Britt Badger.”

“Ima play dead.”

Sophie (3 points or nothing, who cares, what is a ‘point’)

Sophie seems nice and also like someone who has not won the competition. She goes to a date with Honey Badger looking very Anglo Saxon, taking her pink coat and her pink face to meet him at the pier, one of the three places that The Bachelor could afford permits for:

pier
Bachelor mansion
(space?)

Honey Badger likes Sophie because she is competitive and also a smoke show. They tell each other how nice the other one looks and Honey Badger gestures towards a white car that doesn’t belong to him.

“Ever been in one of these?’ he says. “No, looks fun!” she says.

“Well Sophie, this is a car, and when you move the circle driving comes out.”

They say empty things to each other (“This is a car that is just made to be driven!” “Absolutely!”) and Honey Badger announces that they’re about to do something “horrifying”. Sophie, trying to imagine what is more horrifying than participating in the Channel Ten show The Bachelor, is panicked.

“I’m starting to bitterly regret that contract I signed.”

“Gallah drongo flamin’ beep boop blah.”

They are going to go to skydiving. “I thought you hate heights?” says Sophie.

“I do,” he says. A date is only truly a date if you both hate what you’re doing and maybe end up hating each other as a result. “Oh god,” Honey Badger whispers to himself as their light plane juts backwards and forwards. Then he remembers that they’re on a date, so places a hand limply on Sophie’s knee.

Everyone has a terrible time.

Honey Badger prepares to jump out of the plane. The chance of death brings you closer together, whereas the absence of death drives you apart. Who among us can deny the sensual delight of plummeting to earth? Can mistake the raw sexuality of risking crushing every bone in your body, so you resemble a floppy rubber glove full of blood?

Honey Badger and Sophie kiss each other goodbye. At that moment, it becomes clear that two men in tiny sunglasses are strapped to their backs

“Give her a kiss, Honey Badger!”

“We are all linked now.”

“What are you guys up to later, I know a good salsa bar.”

Anyway, they don’t jump out the plane. It’s too windy, according to the men in sunglasses. For twenty minutes of this episode, two people are discussing being worried about jumping out of a plane and then they don’t jump out a plane.

Brooke

Brooke! Oh, Brooke. You were too good for this show, that is clear. “I didn’t expect a girl in her early twenties, by the name of Brooke, to have such an impact on me,” says Honey Badger at the start of the episode. I’m sure at least one of those things is true.

“I said to the producers, ‘Please, over 30s only!!!!’.”

Honey Badger does everything he can to impress a 23-year-old, you know, stuff that young people like – motorbikes, body painting, etc. But unfortunately for Honey Badger, Brooke needs some reassurance from him that he likes her. Honey Badger takes this an invitation to discuss how having “three girlfriends” is “strange” and that it hurts his heart.

“Can we talk about how it’s hard to get TOO MUCH reassurance though, Brooke??? Can we???”

“I wonder what Twitter is saying.”

Just kidding, Brooke is way too good to be on Twitter. She voluntarily leaves at the cocktail party and apologises through tears for being “selfish”. Honey Badger – who seems genuinely gob smacked – says that this “wasn’t the plan”.

Too bad, baby. Brooke has a plan of her own.